Page 19 of Hero for the Holidays

That was another thing she didn’t think she would ever forgive him for.

But maybe most of all, it was something she couldn’t forgive herself for.

For giving that man her heart and never managing to get it back.

CHAPTER FOUR

HEHADTOhave the conversation with Lila sooner than he wanted to. She was out there with Denver, chasing down that rogue calf.

He caught up with them in the north pasture. Lila was smiling and sitting in the back of the truck, and it made his heart squeeze to see her like this. Enjoying the ranch. Enjoying this life. She’d ridden on horseback with him and Denver a few times, and he knew she was itching to get on by herself. She came alive when she was outside. Just like he did.

And yeah, it might still feel kind of theoretical to her, like a vacation that might end. But it was also just damn good to see her happy. And he didn’t want to undo that.

But he knew he was going to have to. Because Fia had been definitive. He hadn’t meant to cut her out of this forever.

Didn’t you? You bastard. No part of you wanted to hurt her with this?

Maybe part of him had. Maybe. But it hadn’t been his driving motivation. He’d been bound and determined to get Lila settled, to get her happy with everything on the ranch, to make a plan on how he was going to parent.

Thenhe’d planned to talk to her about her biological mother.

She had a hard enough time acceptinghim. She still didn’t see him as a father, he didn’t know if she ever would. He just hadn’t wanted to ambush Lila with all that reality about... About him and Fia. What they had between them was a poisonous wound. One they’d ignored all this time. One they’d never drained.

The truth was, he hated Fia Sullivan.

She could snipe and spit and be generally mean to him, and he just didn’t respond. Because he’d shut his feelings down where she was concerned so long ago. Because he’d found the key to take that hate and flip it to indifference.

But now? Now that she wasn’t there and yelling at him, now that she was saying she wanted in on this, this thing that he... She didn’t even have a right to it. He was the one who had made sure his name was with the agency. He was the one who had made sure that he was going to be able to be there for Lila. And Fia wanted to parent her just the same?

Yeah, hell. Maybe he had an issue with that.

But he had always planned to talk to his kid about her. When the time was right. When it wasn’t all so damned new.

Denver got a lasso and caught the calf. Then he ran it down and tied its legs together.

And he could hear Lila expressing sounds of dismay.

“How else was I supposed to catch it?” Denver asked, as his niece hurled accusations at him.

“It just seems so mean,” she said.

“So is letting it run off and get eaten by bobcats,” Denver pointed out.

“I hear bobcats don’t eat you,” she said. “They just chew on your knucklebones.”

“The thing is,” said Denver, “calves don’t have knuckles.”

“Hey, I...”

And then he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face the idea of wiping that smile off her face. And he realized that while there was definitely some merit in preparing her for what was to come later today, it also wasn’t just going to solve everything. He could tell her, but he and Fia didn’t have a plan yet.

Having a teenager was way more complicated than he’d given it credit for. And the bottom line was, he’d had a plan, and the plan hadn’t been enough.

Words failed him when he needed them, and he could understand why his dad had taken a certain amount of comfort in his narcissism.

Hell, he’d lived out some of his father’s narcissism. Was it enough of an excuse to tell himself that it was what he’d seen modeled in his house for all his formative years? Could he relieve his own guilt by reminding himself he’d been formed by a man whose way was the only way?

Dammit. No. Because Lila’s own life had been hijacked by loss, and he was fashioning himself as some kind of hero. But his actions weren’t heroic.

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