Page 28 of Hero for the Holidays

And he wondered if he could find a way to hold two truths in his hands at the same time.

To still feel justified in thinking he could’ve taken care of his daughter. And to recognize that even though it hadn’t been what he wanted, Fia’s decision had given Lila a good life.

He needed to figure something out. Because if he couldn’t... What Fia said echoed in his mind. About him being no more mature now than he’d been then. About her feeling like she still didn’t want to raise a kid with him.

And maybe she was right to say that it was easy to retrofit his memories. To hold on to that feeling of being justified and wounded.

Maybe you can be hurt without being justified.

He didn’t quite know what to do with that, so instead he focused on those two big things. The obvious love on Fia’s face now, and the pain that still existed in his chest. And he allowed himself to imagine holding one in his left hand and the other in his right. He held them both carefully, and with equal weight.

And that was maybe the best thing he had ever done for Lila.

“I didn’t know that you knew them,” Lila said.

Lila looked bemused, and Fia did look slightly hurt then.

But he could understand that. She might’ve thought that Jack and Melissa would share with Lila that they had known her birth mother. But maybe not. By the time Lila would be able to understand, that story would have faded from memory. It wouldn’t be the most important part of all of it. And maybe they needed to forget Fia a little bit in order to make their family feel a certain way. He didn’t know.

One thing he did know was that they’d been a family. Because Lila was a wonderful kid, with her own opinions, her own sense of style and a deep sense of security. All those things had come from Jack and Melissa Gates. And maybe that was another thing he needed to figure out how to hold in his hand. That though she was his daughter biologically, the fact that they’d raised her meant more than he’d been giving them credit for.

They had shaped her spirit.

In the same way that Fia had shaped that stubborn chin.

Just as indelibly.

“I stayed with them for two months,” Fia said. “After I chose them. I told them I was afraid at home and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. They took me in.” Lila looked at Fia with an expression that sat somewhere between shock and deep sadness. “They took care of me. While they waited for you. I knew what they were going to name you, and I got to see your room. They were so excited.”

It was like something had shifted inside of him. Because suddenly he could see what Fia had seen. This warm, beautiful welcome that Lila was going to be receiving. These people who opened their home and their arms to her, with the love they were going to extend to their baby.

But he hadn’t gotten to see it.

Because she couldn’t trust you. Because you wouldn’t listen.

“I knew that you were going to be in great hands,” Fia said. “I’m so glad that you were. I’m so sorry that you lost them.”

“Thank you,” said Lila softly.

“Landry and I are going to do our best. To be there for you. I know it might be hard to believe. But we both always thought of you. It’s okay if you didn’t think of us. You were never supposed to have a hole in your life. But we had one in ours. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it was one I was happy to have. Because sometimes when you love something really fiercely, the empty space it leaves behind when you can’t hold that person hurts, but you’re kind of glad it’s there too. Because it gives you a chance to think of them. I always thought of you as a baby. I never liked to think of the passage of time. Here you are. And you’reyou. If...if I can be part of this, then I want to be.”

Lila looked at him.

“Fia and I want to co-parent,” he said. “We are not a... We’re nota thing.”

Fia shook her head. “No. We are not a thing. We’re also not sixteen and seventeen anymore. So we have our stuff together, and can get along just fine.”

He had a feeling that was for his benefit as much as Lila’s. A reminder to behave.

“I don’t really get it. Are you guys... Am I going to go between your houses or... Like shared custody?”

“We’ll figure it out. Something that works. How about if we start with me spending some time over here. And that way you’re not moving things around. You can come and visit me at my house at Sullivan’s Point. But you don’t have to move your things or officially leave for the weekend or anything. I’m really just a couple of minutes away.”

“And you didn’t tell her,” she said to Landry.

“I said it was complicated,” he said.

“That sounds like bullshit, Landry,” Lila said. “Just being honest.”

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