Page 38 of Hero for the Holidays

“Sure. Granted. I believe that. But I feel like there was more to it too.”

“My dad was a narcissist, and he used everyone’s feelings for him to control them. He’d give me something to get my loyalty. Take it away to remind me who was in charge. My mom loved him so much her only choice was to run away. In the end, she couldn’t stand the way that he used her feelings. Manipulative. She had to get out. There wasn’t really jealousy so much as I was always on the lookout for ways that you could be manipulating me. Because I... Because I would’ve done anything for you. And I freaked out about how intense all that felt. Teenagers shouldn’t...”

“That’s therealreason teenage sex is a bad idea. Isn’t it? It’s feelings.”

“I think the unintended pregnancy also,” he said.

She laughed. “Okay. Fair. The unintended pregnancies are definitely a big one.”

“Yeah. But damn those feelings.” They looked at each other for a long moment. “I thought I loved you, Fia.”

He didn’t know why he’d said that.

“I thought I loved you too.” The only sound was the ticking clock on the wall. Why the hell did she still have a clock that ticked? She cleared her throat. “Listen, whatever you felt back then, whatever we were, you weren’t alone. I...I cared for you. A lot. Looking back on it, I don’t really think it was love. It was too immature. I’d like to find a piece of that, though. Now. And remove it for all the drama, and just find a way forward. Together. For Lila’s sake.”

It was like a wall fell inside of him.

Lila.

He wanted to talk about her. Brag about her. This was something he couldn’t hold back on.

“She’s a good kid. She’s so cool. When I met her, I... I can’t even explain it. She looked so much like you, Fia. It just about damn near knocked me off my feet. I was pissed about it, then. But I was also in awe of it. Now...I’m not pissed about it. I’m not. She’sours. We made her. Together. It’s a pretty damned amazing thing. Because she’s so stubborn, which I think is both our fault. And she’s just interesting. I know that we have to thank Jack and Melissa for that.”

She nodded. “They were really good people.”

“I realize that I denied myself that reassurance by not being able to talk to you about the decision.” He looked down. “I cut myself out of the conversation. And I’m still not sure I can say that I’m at peace with everything.”

“You’re not ready to admit that you think I’m right.”

“I don’t know if you can call a choice like that right, definitely, just like I can’t say keeping her would have been wrong. But I can understand.” He sighed. “Do we need to agree? Are you ever going to think that what I wanted was reasonable?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Then why do I have to think that your option was the only option?”

She looked angry then. Mutinous. It reminded him of old fights. And old times they’d spent making up for those fights. “You don’t. You don’t have to do a damn thing.”

“There was a lot Ishould have done, though. A lot of things I’ve been angry about were my own fault. I could have been part of choosing her family. I could have met them. But I never talked to you about that, I never asked you about them. I never...even asked you about her birth. What she looked like. How it was for you.” He was disgusted with himself then. For not asking her about the labor and delivery. How long it was, if she’d had some kind of pain management. If someone had been there to comfort her. “It was easier for me to make you into an enemy,” he said, his throat tight. “You’re right about that too.”

She blinked. “Wow. That’s a whole lot ofyou’re rightfrom you.”

“Don’t make it hostile. I’m trying to be fair.”

She finally took a sip of the coffee. Maybe finally accepting that he wasn’t trying to poison her. “I don’t know that there’s any point going over all this old ground. We might just have to move forward. Make something new. That won’t be so bad. I think there’s no... There’s no way to logic ourselves into a perfect way of dealing with this. I think we have to be ideological. We need to let go of the past. We need to accept that we are not going to come to a consensus on the things that happened then. And we just need to draw a line under it. And that’s not a thing that any normal person wants to do ever. That’s certainly not something you or I have been willing to do all this time. But we didn’t have a reason. And now we do.”

Well, she was right about that too. Dammit.

“Want to come to dinner at my house tonight?”

“You’re kidding, right? Wait,yourhouse or...”

“Nope. The Kings. The family homestead.”

“Why?” she asked.

“I think it would be fun to let them know who Lila’s mom is...by surprise.”

“You’re kidding.”

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