Page 56 of Hero for the Holidays

“It’s why you were jealous,” he said.

She laughed. “I mean, if you can’t trust your dad...why trust your boyfriend?”

It made sense. It gave him a lot more understanding of what had happened back then. Why she’d gone off on him sometimes for perceived slights.

“I get it. I trusted my dad even though I shouldn’t have. Even when he proved I shouldn’t. I never had one big thing that broke it. It was just...a lot of time. To sit and reflect on why I felt so bad all the time.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “What a mess.”

“Yeah. It was a mess.” What he didn’t tell her was that he’d wanted her to redeem him. Wanted her tohealhim. Back then he’d looked at her and seen salvation.

Had his dad seen his mom that way at one time?

It was a sobering thought.

“I confronted him on the affair,” Fia said. “I yelled at him. I told him that I was going to tell Mom. He told me if I did I’d ruin everything. So I kept it inside because he told me I had to. Then two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared, Landry. I thought... I thought that everything was broken. Ruined forever. I thought about not telling you. I thought about...making it go away. That seemed like the easiest thing. But I knew that I had to tell you. And then you wanted the baby. And... I wish that I would’ve told you sooner that I had doubts. That’s one thing I regret. That I didn’t tell you right away that I thought adoption was the best thing. Maybe then you would’ve had more time to adjust. Maybe then you wouldn’t have had a false idea of what I was feeling.”

It was sweet almost, the way she was trying to give him credit now. But after all that self-examination he’d done lately, he really couldn’t give himself that same credit she was. He’d been too stubborn. Too selfish. He’d seen her pregnancy as a gift because he’d seen it as a way to keep her, a way to heal himself...

He’d seen it as loving the baby, but it had been a very, very selfish love.

He saw that now.

“Nothing could’ve made me react to that better,” he said. “Because I wasn’t listening. I was feeling my own feelings. And I was... I was so desperate to prove myself. To prove all these things. That maybe I wasn’t my dad, that maybe the Kings could be functional. That you should stay with me.” He shook his head. “I wouldn’t have listened. I would not have listened to you, Fia. Don’t tell yourself that you could have done something different.”

“Thanks,” she said. “I appreciate it. Back then... It felt like the house was on fire. Burning all around me. My life was on fire. And when I handed Lila to her mother, I felt like I was handing the baby to a fireman who was outside that burning building. Like I was handing her to safety. When you say I gave her up, I don’t know what you picture. But that’s whatIsee.”

A knot gathered in his chest, and he felt an unexpected swell of emotion behind his eyes.

“Well, damn,” he said, trying to breathe around his feelings. “We were kind of a fucking burning house, weren’t we?”

“Yeah. I just didn’t want her to burn in it.”

“I know. We can’t be that now,” he said.

“We aren’t,” Fia said. “We aren’t. I promise. We are better than that. Because we are older. Because we have different resources. We won’t be a burning house again.”

The image struck him, and it was the second time in a couple of days that Fia had taken his worldview and turned it completely upside down. Because he had pictured giving a baby up as somethingcavalier. Something that you did to unburden yourself. But Fia had never been unburdened, not a single day. He could see now what she’d seen then. And he could never fault her for that. Not ever.

Fia turned the radio on, and he wondered if it was to keep them from having to talk more. The unfortunate thing was, they only had heavy truths between them, and that made being together a little bit exhausting. Of course, he was no stranger to having weight between himself and Fia Sullivan. That was just life, as far as he was concerned. It was definitely his life.

But while the song played, it got intimate, a little bit sexy, and he couldn’t help but notice the curve of her neck.

Which was not the point of this trip.

Not indulging in the attraction that he still felt for her was definitely part of proving that he was different.

That they had grown.

They were going to co-parent. Like functional human beings. They were not going to get trapped in the bog that waseach other. Because it wasn’t about them. It wasn’t about their previous connection any more than it was about his anger. Any more than it was about her resentment.

They had set that aside, and he would have to set the attraction aside too. When she turned her head just briefly to look at him, he saw a glint of something in her green eyes that suggested that it wasn’t only him experiencing the feeling. But she would ignore it too. Because she knew that it was the best thing.

They pulled into the parking lot of the big grocery store in Mapleton and got out. It was early morning, so most of the shoppers were older. And it wasn’t all that crowded.

They got a cart and went inside, and he was struck by the domesticity of the moment. He and Fia had never had anything like domestic in their relationship. Not remotely. They had been nothing more than fire and flame. Nothing more than clandestine meetings and big screaming matches. There hadn’t been nice dates, or dinners with family.

They had not been this. But then, he didn’t even think he’d ever been to a grocery store without an adult at that point.

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