Page 62 of Hero for the Holidays

She was grateful for the distance they had. For the fact that he was on the phone, and Lila was outside safely. The fact that her store was empty. Because her heart felt like it was crumbling.

Because she loved that child outside, but still felt some distance. Some hesitance. Because she was a whole tangle of memories she wished she had, and memory she didn’t want.

Because the man on the other end of the phone had been her sworn enemy for the past thirteen years, but was also the only person who had shared this with her in any capacity. Because in many ways he still felt like the closest person to her, even when he had felt like the most distant.

Because she felt justified in the decision that she had made to give Lila up. But she felt sad.

And with Lila here she couldn’t defer the sadness.

“I’m here now,” he said. “It’s not going to erase the last thirteen years, but it’s something. I hope.”

She thought of all the life she’d lived since she’d taken that pregnancy test. She’d had to grow up, stand firm. To love sacrificially. She’d gone to stay with Jack and Melissa, where she’d experienced a kind of stability she’d never imagined before. A stability and care she’d brought back to her sisters, and had carried forward in the way she cared for them.

She’d found strength she hadn’t known she’d ever possessed, which had helped her when it came to forming the Four Corners collective, doing battle with the men when necessary to make sure that Sullivan’s Point got what it needed to survive and thrive.

She’d started the baking business. Planted seeds, grown gardens. Opened a store.

She’d given her daughter up, and while she’d known it had been best for Lila, she’d also done what she could to make it matter in her own life too.

“The hardest truth is...is we don’t need to erase the last thirteen years,” she said. “We’ve done a lot. A lot of work on our ranches. A lot of work on ourselves. Lila was out there having a whole life. It wasn’tnothing.”

There was silence between them for a long moment.

“No,” he said, his voice heavy. “It wasn’t nothing.”

It just didn’t have you.

She thought that while looking at Lila. She thought it with Landry’s breath in her ear on the phone. She wasn’t sure which one of them it applied to more. But then half the time she still couldn’t figure out the nature of her feelings for Landry.

“Saturday night. Let’s do the party. I’ll make sure that all my family is available, but who are we kidding? None of us do anything off the ranch.”

“Untrue. Your brothers like to go out to Smokey’s.”

“That is true. I just don’t care.”

She was pondering yet again the conversation they’d had in the car. About the way that he didn’t enjoy hooking up. She wondered if he was just built that way. Or if it did have something to do with her.

She didn’t ask.

“Okay. Well, I will make some plans. What presents should we get her?”

“I have an idea. But don’t get mad at me.”

“Why would I get mad at you?”

“Because you’re going to accuse me of stealing your thunder.”

“I will not,” Fia said.

“I thought I would give her a horse. Back at CPS I mentioned that we had horses and she lit up, and she really likes coming out with me on the ranch and riding,” Landry said.

“Okay. That isn’t fair. My name has to go on the tag for that.”

He laughed. “I think that can be arranged. And then I think maybe we need to do a family trail ride.”

The word settled strangely in her chest. A family trail ride. He meant her. He meant him. He meant Lila.

Lila made them family. Maybe that wouldn’t be true for everybody, but it was for them. For the situation. She wasn’t quite sure what to do with that information. With that feeling.

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