Page 81 of Hero for the Holidays

Damn him. For speaking the truth of the attraction into the space. Her making it impossible to deny. For making it clear.

“I mean, not theonlyreason,” he said. “But definitely one. We both know it’s not the best idea. In fact, I believe that we just discussed this earlier today.”

“In general, yes. But right now? It’s actually the worst idea. Impossible.”

“Damn straight,”he said.

“But why don’t you like to hook up?”

He laughed, and lifted his beer bottle to his lips. “Well, that is a loaded question.”

“Is it? Because you threw it out there.”

“Days ago,” he said, as if that would mean she wasn’t thinking about it on loop all day every day since.

“But I’ve been thinking about it,” she said. “And don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about what I said too.”

“Maybe we need to make a deal that we only talk about Lila.”

“Too late,” she said.

He looked at her, his gaze hot. Searing, even, and part of her wanted to run. While another part of her wanted to lean in. All the way in.

“Fine. I don’t like to hook up because it has never felt the same. And I compare every woman that I look at to you. And that’s the problem. I told myself that I hated you. I think it was close enough to being true. But the problem is that I never stopped wanting you. Even with all the anger that I felt. I wanted you. Even with all the hard feelings, I wanted you. I’ve never been able to be neutral. I tried. I told myself I was just different than my brothers. Not everyone likes casual sex. But the truth is I see a woman, and no matter how beautiful she is, she’s not you. I kiss a woman, and it’s notus. Sex just feels...like a shadow of what we had, and it makes me ache for something we can’t get back to. I hated the way that felt. It wasn’t worth getting off.”

She tried to breath. It was almost impossible.

“Maybe now will be different. Maybe now that we kind of peeled back some of the layers. Demystified it. Maybe we were stuck. Like you said, you hadn’t ever thought of Lila’s adoption in a new way because you were stuck at seventeen. Maybewewere stuck, and now we won’t be.”

“Will it be different for you? Because there hasn’t beenanybody.”

That bastard Landry King.

She cleared her throat. “Yeah. I know. Because like I said, it’s different for women. It’s not just about whether or not I’ll enjoy it—but I might not, satisfaction not guaranteed. I have to actually worry about so much more. About the potential for being a victim of violence, about pregnancy. And it has never felt like something I wanted to jump back into. I get that this isn’t... It’s not the way people want it to be. But there are too many deep consequences and worries women have to bear alone for it to be as casual as it can be for you, and we might not even come.” She tried to laugh. “And I am far too familiar with some of the consequences.”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I get that. I really do. But all this time, and you haven’t found anyone else? You’re not sixteen anymore.”

“I know. But maybe...maybe what you said is also a little bit true for me. I can’t imagine feeling the way that I used to, and you know what, I’m not sure that I want to. There’s a...cost benefit analysis here that I can’t make math out. I feel very much like I’m the kind of person that loses her head with men. So maybe I’m just not allowed to.”

“With men. So you think it would be the same with any man as it is with me?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t disproven that theory. So it really could be.” She leaned back against the porch swing. “Maybe men are just my Achilles’ heel in general.”

“Bullshit,” he said. “You’ve resisted every man who has crossed your path. Except one.”

“A testament to my strong will.”

“Right. And do you look at other men and feel what you do for me?”

“Sawyer Garrett’s pretty hot.”

“That’s not what I’m asking you, Fia. When you look at Sawyer, does he make your breath go shallow?” He looked at her, his eyes getting intense. “Does he make your stomach tight, your heart flutter?” As he spoke, those very things began to happen to her. “Does he make you wet?”

Damn.

She nearly inhaled her beer. “Landry,” she said, looking over her shoulder, as if Lila could come walking out at any moment.

“It’s an honest question, Fia. Because I seem to recall you whispering that to me after school one day. That you were wet from looking at me. From imagining what we were going to do later.”

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