Page 94 of Ethan's Sky

Skyler.

“Cash, follow Jayde and the prospect. I’ve got Skyler.”

21

SKYLER

Walking up the hill, I pass several headstones of loved ones lost. The sounds of motorcycles roar through the air. One drifts off, the other’s not far as he follows me up the hill. When I finally get to her spot, I drop my gym bag and sit down on the grass. The bike turns off. I don’t look to see who’s babysitting me now. Whoever it is doesn’t approach me but stays where he can see me. I appreciate him giving me some space.

Looking around the cemetery, I take in the cool air coated with the scent of fresh pine and hint of upcoming rain. The clouds aren’t covering the sky fully yet, but they’re making their way across. Maybe it’ll come tonight.

I was going to go to Mama and Daddy’s spot, but I found myself walking this way instead.

Clearing the edge of her tombstone of grass and weeds, I start talking.

“I’ve fucked up, Em. I tried to make things right, but it seems all I did was make things worse. Your secrets became mine to keep and the devils that haunted you have come to haunt me now. They found Daddy. I’m sure you’ve seen him up there somewhere. Probably telling horrible jokes and getting on Mama’s nerves.” I smile to myself at the image in my mind.

“Hug them both for me. Tell them I miss them, so much.” I can’t stop the tears from streaming down my face.

“Damnit Emily!” Holding my head in my hands,I let the tears fall. I've been trying to hold them back since Daddy died, but I can't any longer. So, I don’t try anymore. I sit here and just…be.

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here. The wind has grown colder making me shiver. Wiping my tears on the bottom of my shirt, I attempt to clean my face. There’s no hiding I’ve been crying.

“Do you have any idea how pissed I am at you? How your dumbass decisionsto date that stupid ass mother fucking piece of shit screwedupboth our lives?”

Is it right to scream at the dead? She can’t possibly haunt me any more than she already is, can she?

I’m feeling conflicted on the subject. All I know is my heart is so tattered and torn. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel whole again.

I’m so tired of running and hiding. Pissed I can’t have a normal life. If Emily had never gone to the party or gotten hooked on shoving shit in her veins or up her nose, I wouldn’t have tried to help her and be in this mess. Daddy would still be alive. Ethan would still love me, and we would have a beautiful child to raise…together.

In a perfect world maybe, but this is your life. Not a movie. You can’t go back and fix this fuck up.

“Why did you have to go get involved with those assholes? Why couldn’t you leave it alone? I begged you!Begged you, Em!”

Great! Now I’m shouting at the dead.

“You left me here to fight your demons. I wanted nothing to do with Chase or his stupid brother, but you just couldn’t stay away. I tried to help make him see reason. All I did was make things worse. I tried to get him to do the right thing by turning his brother in, but Chase, he wouldn’t. I thought if I could get him to tell the truth, to do the right thing, it would make things easier on Ethan and your parents. They’d get closure, and Ethan would never have to know your secrets. They would die with you, and I wouldn’t have to cover for you anymore. But it didn’t work out that way.”

Delirious laughter bubbles up from the depths of my belly.

I’m losing my damn mind.

“I gave up everything I loved-everyoneI loved-trying to save them.To make things better for them. All for what? For a crack whore who didn’t love anyone enough to quit and let me help her, and a man I thought would love me for the rest of my life only to have him hate me so much he thinksI’m the whore.God, the irony in this.” Laughter turns to tears as the harsh reality sits like a lead weight on my chest once again making it harder to breathe.

“All I wanted was to make sure Ethan wouldn’t spiral out of control, give up his dreams to make something of himself as a fighter, and to save our baby.” My last words drop off in a whispered sob. “I’ve failed at both. Lost them both, and all because I lovedyou. Didn’t want him knowing the truth aboutyou. It would tear him apart. He’d be eaten up by guilt. He’d blame himself for not being here to take care of you,” I chuckle as the truth hits me like a two by four to the head. “Maybe I didn’t do it because I loved you. Maybe I did it because I love him. I didn’t want him to suffer. Most of all I didn’t want to lose him. Jokes on me I guess, huh?”

The shuffling of feet and the crackling of leaves make me jump to my feet, wrapping my arms around myself. Shielding myself from the brisk air or Ethan’s penetrating glare, I’m not sure which.

“What are you doing here? Where’s the prospect?” I ask, my voice soft and scratchy from crying.

“He went with Jayde.”

“What about Cash? Why isn’t he here?” Ethan’s eyes narrow when I ask, not liking I’d rather it be him here instead.

Too fucking bad.

“Why are you crying?”

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