Page 124 of Last Light

I shouldn’t let him hold me this way. I shouldn’t seek comfort from him the way I’m doing.

We’re in the middle of a very crowded church fellowship hall. We’re in a darkish corner, but there are still lights flickering. People will be able to see us. There are folks from Meadows all around us—people who only ever knew me as a teenager, as someone’s granddaughter. People who grew up with Travis.

They might think I’m a silly girl, attaching herself to a man I can never have.

Or, even worse, they might think Travis has been an asshole, taking advantage of a vulnerable girl.

I can’t let them think so.

Cheryl might see us, curled up together under the sleeping bag like this.

It’s not right. I shouldn’t let Travis do it just because I’m feeling needy.

But I can’t seem to push him away.

He’s always given me everything I need.

And he’s doing it again right now.

Maybe I’ll be stronger tomorrow.

***

THE NEXT MORNING I’Mnot feeling stronger.

I’m mostly feeling numb.

Travis slept with me under the sleeping bag all night. I know he did because he’s still there when I wake up. He rolled over onto his back sometime during the night, and I’m pressed up against his side in our normal position.

I pick up my head and see that Travis is awake. His eyes are heavy. His hair is a ridiculous mess.

I smile because he’s who I want to see every morning when I wake up.

He smiles back. “How y’feelin’?”

“I’m fine. I think. Better than last night.” I don’t feel like crying this morning, but I still feel that weight in my gut. I don’t think it’s going anywhere. It’s going to be my natural state from now on. “Thank you. For last night, I mean. You didn’t have to stay with me. I was okay.”

He gives me a quick look that’s maybe confused. Or maybe surprised. I don’t really understand it. But it shifts almost immediately to a casual shrug. “What else would I do?”

What else would be his spending the night with Cheryl, but I can’t bring myself to say it out loud because it would reveal exactly how I’m feeling.

We’ve been having the conversation quietly since we’re not alone in the room. There are people all around us, and I’m intensely aware of them.

I don’t like it. Being crowded this way.

I’d much rather be alone with Travis like we were before.

But it would be wrong to suggest it to him. I know he still feels responsible for me even though he doesn’t need to anymore.

He was only with me because we had no choice.

He never would have touched me if I hadn’t asked him, begged him.

There’s no way—in any other world, at any other time—the two of us would have been together at all.

I can’t force something to happen between us just because I want it so much.

“Y’okay?” He moves a hand so he’s stroking some loose hair out of my face. He must have sensed my emotional turmoil.

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