Page 134 of Last Light

I want to put my questions into words, but I’m still so scared. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been in love like this before.

I loved Peter, and my feelings for him were real. But they were also young. Simple.

I’ve never felt anything as deep and complicated and all consuming as this.

How do people handle feeling this way? How do they live every day and go about their business with this kind of storm of emotion inside them?

How do they ever manage to share the feelings with someone else?

“What were you...?” Travis clears his throat. He drops his eyes. “I wanted to ask... I was wonderin’ what you were thinkin’ about doin’ now?”

This line of questioning isn’t at all what I expect, and it makes my stomach drop. “What do you mean?”

“I meannow.” He makes a faint wave of his hand. “I mean your future. Since Fort Knox came to nothin’. And since we found the Meadows folks but it’s not what... what we were thinkin’. Did you wanna stick with ’em anyway?”

Since he’s asking me point-blank, I’m not going to lie about it. I shake my head. “No. Not really. I mean, I’m glad to have found them, but there’s not really anything for me here. And I do find all the slowness and the bossiness and not being able to make my own decisions... kind of frustrating.”

He blows out a breath, a tension on his face relaxing slightly. “Yeah. That’s kinda what I was thinkin’ too.”

“You mean you’re not going to stay with them?” I’m so surprised I lift my head from the bed.

Travis frowns. “Well, I would, if... if... But I’d rather not, if you wanna know the truth.”

“What about Cheryl?”

“What about her?”

“Aren’t you going to...?” I don’t finish the question because it suddenly sounds kind of ridiculous.

Surely if Travis still wanted to be with Cheryl, he’d have wanted to see her right away. He’d have asked about her.

He hasn’t done anything of the kind.

It was me he was calling out for. Not her.

His frown has deepened dramatically. “Is that what you’ve been thinkin’? That me and Cheryl— No! I still care ’bout her, and I always will. But she’s not who I want anymore.”

Emotion is rising inside me with such force that I have to sit up. I fold my legs beneath me and stare down at Travis.

His blue-gray eyes are so deep, so serious.

He speaks in a soft, stilted voice. “So I guess I need to... to ask you. If you don’t wanna stick with the caravan, what do you wanna do now? You got real choices. I know you really liked Maria. If you want, you can go with your friend and join them. If that’s... what you want.”

I gulp over a lump in my throat. “I’ve thought about it. But I don’t know. They don’t... it’s only women.”

“Yeah. I know. Well, if you want a man, you got choices in that too.” His accent is getting thicker. “I seen you talkin’ to Mack. He’s a real good guy. Smart, like you.”

“Mack?” I’m so shocked the one word comes out shrill.

“Sure. He’s a... real good guy. Seems like you like him. If you want him to be your man, bet he wouldn’t say no.”

“Mack?” This time the word is louder. Even more astonished.

“Yeah. Mack. Why you starin’ at me like that?”

“Mack isn’t interested in me.”

“Sure he is.” Travis looks slightly confused now. A little uncertain. “Course he is.”

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