Page 135 of Last Light

“Why on earth would you think that?”

“’Cause...” He takes a couple of ragged breaths. “’Cause any man would want you. If you ask ’em, any man in the world would want you.”

I make a weird little sound. Almost a sob. “Travis. Please. I don’t want to... I can’t lose you.”

His face twists. “Darlin’. I’m doin’ a terrible job of sayin’ this. I’ll try again. You’re not gonna lose me. Not unless you want me gone. I’m gonna do whatever you do. If you wanna join Maria, then I’ll trail around behind you like a lost puppy. Me and the dog. Or if you wanna hook up with Mack or some other man, I’ll make myself a third wheel and I’ll practice deep breathin’ so I don’t beat the man’s face in for gettin’ to touch you like I... Or if you wanna stick with the caravan after all, I’ll learn to be patient and put up with not bein’ in control. You’re not gonna lose me, Layne. But I’m tryin’ to tell you that you don’t have to fuck me to keep me. You have me, even if you never want me to touch you again.”

I’m crying for real now. Swiping away tears as they fall.

Travis rubs his bristly jaw with his hand. “Basically, I’m sayin’ you got real choices now. I know things happened between us because... because you were desperate. Feelin’ low. You needed somethin’ and I was there. I know I’m not a man you ever woulda wanted otherwise. I get it. I promise I do. I told myself from the beginnin’ I could never... never ask you for more, ’cause I never wanted you to feel obliged to give me anythin’ you didn’t want to. I made myself hold to that from the first day we got together, and I’m gonna keep holdin’ to it now, even though I’m in a panic ’bout losin’ you. You got choices, Layne. You’re not stuck with some old hillbilly who never went to college and who can barely understand all your poems and who never shoulda been anyone to you ’cept the guy who fixed your car. You’re not stuck with him just ’cause he’s the only one you got.”

He’s hoarse and pale and earnest. His eyes are nakedly needy.

I reach down to grab his hand from the bed and hug his forearm to my chest. “What if... what if I want that old hillbilly?”

Travis makes a strangled sound as he stares at me. “Layne?”

“What if I want him?”

“Please, Layne. Please don’t say that. Please don’t ask it. Unless you really mean it. I meanreallymean it. ’Cause I’m gonna take you serious. I’m gonna want more than just a good time with you. I’m gonna... never let go.”

I try to wipe the tears from my cheek with my shoulder but don’t really succeed. “Travis, I’m asking for real. What if I want that old hillbilly?”

His face changes. His eyes blaze. “If you want him... if you really want him... this old hillbilly is already yours.”

I’m crying so much now that I can’t keep sitting up. I collapse back onto the bed next to him, still hugging his arm to my chest. It’s the only part of him that I dare to touch without risking his injury.

“Layne?” Travis asks, pointing his head in my direction but still lying on his back.

“Sorry. Sorry.” I wipe at my face.

“Why you cryin’ about it?”

“Because I’m so happy.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Really.”

“You already knew how I feel ’bout you, didn’t you?”

“No! Of course I didn’t know. Why would I have known?”

“Thought it was obvious. Been crazy ’bout you for ages.”

“Ages? We’ve only been together for a couple of weeks.”

“Well, I spent most of it bein’ crazy ’bout you. You must’ve been able to see it. Never met anyone as brave and sweet and smart and full of heart as you. How could I help but fall for you? But I knew you were only with me ’cause you had to be, so I didn’t think I was allowed to have you.”

“Well, you are allowed.” I beam at him through my tears. Our faces are only a few inches apart.

Travis is breathing heavily. His face is still damp, but there’s a little more color in it now. “Do you think...?”

“Do I think what?”

“You think I can kiss you? For real?”

“I really wish you would.”

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