Page 49 of Last Light

WE FIND A HOUSE TOspend the night in two hours later.

It’s big, surrounded by several acres of property. It’s got a patio of beautiful, decorative pavers with an outdoor kitchen and a built-in firepit. There’s been some earthquake damage, but nothing too extreme. And the house is up on a hill that provides a good vantage point to the surrounding area, which I know makes Travis feel better about our safety.

The firepit is perfect. We make a small fire and boil water to fix a package of macaroni and cheese. We don’t have milk or butter, of course, but it’s fine with just water. We eat it with a can of roast beef and gravy. That’s what the label on the can says. Roast beef and gravy. I’m not sure if it’s real meat or not, but it tastes good, familiar. So does the mac and cheese.

We brush our teeth and go to the bathroom before we head to an upstairs bedroom.

I change into my leggings, keeping my tank top on, as Travis barricades the door with a dresser.

He relaxes after that. I can see it in his posture, his expression.

By the time he changes into a clean shirt and his sweats, I’ve made up my mind.

I sit on the foot of the bed, and he pauses when he sees me looking at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You feelin’ okay?”

“Yeah. I feel fine.”

His eyebrows knit together, and he sits down next to me, his weight shifting the mattress. “You’re not tired?”

“Not too much.”

He hesitates, searching my face for an explanation of my mood. “Can I do somethin’ for you?”

“Yeah.”

“What?”

I open my mouth, but the words are trapped in my throat. I want to do this, but it feels so strange, like such a risk.

“What is it, Layne? I’ll do anythin’ you need me to do.” His expression is sincere. It looks like he means it.

“I’m tired of feeling scared and helpless.”

“You want me to teach you more moves?”

“Yes, but not now. That’s not what I mean. I’m tired of always feeling that way. I have for years now. Like I’m not in control of anything. I want to do something about it. I want to do something to change it.”

He still obviously has no idea what I’m talking about. “What do you wanna do?”

I swallow hard. “I want to feel something different. I want to feel something... good.”

He grows very still beside me. Not even his eyelashes flutter.

I’m in this all the way now—no turning back. It might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m not going to stop. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do, Travis. I never would have even asked. But it seemed like... twice now... it seemed like you were... like you might want to. With me. So I thought...”

“You wanna...” His voice is soft and guttural.

“Have sex. With you. Yes. I do.” I’m staring down at my hands twisting in my lap. “If you want.”

“Why?”

I jerk my head up at the broken astonishment of the one word. “I told you. I want to feel... something different. Something good. I want to feel... in control of things.”

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