Page 57 of Last Light

“I don’t know. I was kind of embarrassed. And I didn’t want you to... to treat me differently.”

“I woulda been gentler with you. Treated you more careful. If I’d known.”

“I know you would. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to be only careful and gentle. I wanted... tofeelit.”

“And did you?” He’s holding my eyes with a slanting look.

“Yeah. I did.” I pick at the sheet. “Did you?”

“Yeah. I did too.”

Things feel settled now, so we get ready for bed. I straighten the covers while Travis checks to make sure the two windows and the barricaded door are secure. It’s almost completely dark outside and in the room when Travis climbs into the bed beside me.

We lay about a foot apart, both of us on our backs. I feel him shifting occasionally.

I’m not sure how long it’s been when he says, “I thought women bleed the first time.”

Maybe the words should surprise me, but they don’t. “I don’t know. Some do. Some don’t.”

“You never went all the way with Peter?”

I jerk and roll over to face his direction. I can’t see him in the dark, but it doesn’t matter. “You knew about Peter?”

“Sure. Peter Shepherd. Pat and Rose’s boy. You were goin’ with him for a while, weren’t you?”

“Yes. When I was seventeen. I’m just surprised you knew that. We didn’t even know each other back then.”

“Yeah, we did. I fixed your car.” He says the words simply, as if they’re articulating an obvious truth.

Maybe they are.

“I know. But we never really... It just never occurred to me you would notice who I went out with.”

“It wasn’t some creepy thing. I wasn’t pervin’ on you or nothin’. I just noticed. I thought Peter was a nice boy.”

“He was.” I swallow over a familiar ache. It’s years old now. It doesn’t hurt me like it used to. “We never got all the way to sex. We would have. I’m sure we would have. But we didn’t have the chance.”

He reaches over to touch my forearm for just a few seconds before he pulls back. There’s a minute or two of silence before he says, “I was with the group that found his body.”

“You were?”

“Yeah. If it... helps at all, looked like he went quick.”

Peter went hunting one day and never came back. Some of the other hunters found his body and said it looked like he’d been shot. No one ever found out what happened.

“I’m glad he didn’t suffer. He was really sweet.” I take a shaky breath. “Maybe too sweet for the world as it is now.”

“Yeah. Maybe there’s no room for sweetness no more.”

The words linger in the silent room.

I touch Travis’s hand to let him know I appreciate what he’s telling me, and then I roll over and try to sleep.

I think about what we said.

I’m not sweet. Not anymore. Maybe I would have been if the world had stayed the same, but I haven’t had the luxury. I’ve been too busy staying alive.

Travis isn’t sweet either. He’s rough and raw and coarse and strong.

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