Page 26 of Haven

“So you want to leave?” he asks thickly with another quick glance toward me. “That’s what you want?”

“I didn’t say that! I was just asking the question. We’ve got it pretty good at New Haven, but most people around here don’t have our resources, so I understand why they’d want to migrate and search for something safer and closer to... normal.”

“The old normal doesn’t exist anymore. And I’m not going to give up what we have for the flimsy dream of the world we used to know. For some of us, the old world wasn’t all that great to begin with.”

My eyes widen at the comment. At what it reveals. “Yeah. I guess that’s true.” I pause for a few moments, something in my gut twisting at my reflections. Then I finally continue, “But the old world wasn’t... wasn’tthatbad to you, was it? I mean, I thought you were okay. With my parents. Being on the farm. I’m sure it wasn’t a dream come true for you, but I thought it was... okay.”

“I didn’t mean New Haven. I meant before that.” He’s relaxed a little now. Doesn’t look quite so angsty. “When I was a kid. The world pretty much sucked for me until your folks took me in.” He clears his throat. Shifts in his seat a little. Doesn’t meet my eyes. “Itwaskind of a dream come true for me. Coming to New Haven.”

I’ve never heard him reveal something so personal. So earnest. Not in all the years I’ve known him. My chest hurts so much I have to raise a hand to my breast, like I can somehow hold all the feelings inside. My lips part, since it feels like I should say something, but no words come out.

He shoots me a few quick looks. “Didn’t you know that?” he asks at last.

I shake my head. “I figured it was better, but I didn’t know you...”

Loved it. That’s what I was going to say.

The words feel forbidden. Like it refuses to be uttered.

“Well, I do,” he mutters, as if I completed my thought. “Never had another home than this one. So I’m not gonna leave it for the flimsy fantasy of a better, safer life somewhere else.”

“I really wasn’t suggesting we leave. It was just a random thought.”

He’s silent for a minute, but his face is working slightly, like he’s having an internal struggle about something. Then he finally bites out, “Why are you even having those thoughts?”

I blink, surprised by both the tone and the words. “What?”

“Why are you even thinking about it? Are you that unhappy?”

“No. No!” My response comes out more vehement than I intend. “They’re just thoughts. People have them all the time, and they don’t have to mean anything.”

“But they usually do. And something’s been eating at you for a while now.” He’s scowling at the road in front of us. “Why the fuck won’t you tell me what it is?”

“It’s not... It’s...” I try to speak. Try to explain. I genuinely try. I don’t know why I can’t get any words out.

“It’s what?” He’s slowed down to almost a crawl, and he leans toward me in his intensity. “Damn it, kitten, tell me!”

“I don’t know! I’m sorry, but I just don’t know. I feel restless. Jittery. Like I want something to happen. Like I want something to change. But I really don’t know what it is.” The words all tumble out in a messy babble, and I’m shocked by the admission. How private it is. And how I just let it all out.

“You want something to change?” His voice is soft and textured now. Not urgent anymore.

I shrug, staring down at my own hands. “I know it sounds silly. That’s why I don’t talk about it. I mean, what’s the point in saying you want something if you don’t even know what you want?”

Jackson is breathing heavily, staring at my face like he might be able to devour me whole.

It’s not a soft or a romantic or even a sexy look, but I want to lean into it anyway.

Something is shuddering in the air right now. I can sense it the way I can sense the wet thickness of the July humidity. I feel like it might be the answer I’m looking for if only I could reach out and grab it.

It dissipates when Jackson breaks the gaze and turns back to the road, accelerating back to his normal speed. “If you figure it out, you’ll tell me, right?”

I nod. Swallow. Stare at the blowing grassland around us. “Yeah. I’ll tell you.”

***

IT’S MIDAFTERNOON WHENwe come off the trails we’ve been following and get onto a small country road.

At least it used to be a road. Now it’s a lot of broken rubble with a few longer stretches of pavement.

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