Page 39 of Haven

I laugh faintly at the memory. “Miguel fell down and got covered head to foot in mud.”

She giggles. “Then he walked around with his arms outstretched, trying to give everyone muddy hugs. We laughed so hard. That was a good night.”

I should do it then. While she’s smiling. Jackson told me to wait for him, but I’ve never given one of my responsibilities to someone else.

I grip the knife in my hand and tell myself to make it quick. It’s what she wants. It will be a mercy.

But I wait instead.

She’s drifted off to sleep without warning. Her breathing is really raspy. Painful.

I watch her for a long time until I realize she isn’t breathing anymore.

I gasp. Check her pulse. Try to feel any breath.

There’s nothing.

She’s gone.

I don’t know how or why it happened so quickly. With my mom, it was day after day of agony.

I’m still holding the knife, but I don’t need it now. I can’t even imagine why not.

Jackson finds me there eventually. He comes into the room on his own, and I hear him make a wordless sound when he sees me.

“Fuck,” he mutters, closing the door with a click. “Oh fuck, kitten.” He strides over and takes the knife from my hand. Pulls me to my feet. “I told you to wait for me.”

I open my mouth to try to explain. This was what she wanted.

He stares down at the knife, as if he’s confused that it’s clean and dry.

“I didn’t have to,” I manage to say. “She just... died.”

I start to shake then. I can’t seem to help it. He wraps me in a quick, tight hug. I want to take comfort in the feel of it—of him—but I can’t let go enough to do so. I pull away from him.

“Go wash up and rest a little. I’ll take care of everything here. And I can do the gathering tonight on my own if you want.”

I shake my head. “We lost Brett and Molly. I’m going to be there too.”

But I do what he says otherwise. I let him take care of what’s left to do since I’m not sure I’d be able to do it anyway.

I spend some time alone in my room, but it doesn’t really make me feel more like myself. I help with dinner, and then Jackson and I lead the others in saying goodbye to our friends, the way we always have. We read Psalm 23 out loud. Then we talk about all the good things we remember. I even manage to tell a little anecdote about both Brett and Molly.

I give Ham and Langley hugs afterward since they both seem to need it. And then it’s time for bed. I go to my room. Wash up. Change into a gown. And sit on the edge of my bed. Shaking.

I want to go to Jackson so much I can barely hold myself back, but I only go to him for sex. And there’s no way I’m up for that tonight.

I sit on the side of my bed for a long time, trapped by indecision.

I have no idea what to do.

I don’t want Jackson to fuck me. I just wanthim.

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