Page 49 of Haven

“Don’t you dare say that. You can’t say that. Because people die every day—even people we’d go to the ends of the earth to keep alive. There’s no guaranteed long, happy life in this world. So what if something happened to you?”

He stares at me, breathing heavily. Then finally mutters, “If anything happened to you, I’d eat a bullet.”

“That’s what I mean! That’s how I feel too. And it’s not good. For either of us. Our worlds need to be bigger than that. I’m only now finally understanding that, but it’s what’s been bothering me all this time. I need to have a purpose beyond just clinging to each other and trying to stay alive. That’s why I want to go help those people. Because it feels like a first step. I don’t want to exist in a safe little bubble while the rest of the world is burning. Jackson, my soul is bigger than I’ve let it be for the past five years. The world is bigger. And it can be terrible. It can take away so much that we love. But it can be bigger and better. We can make it better. And that’s what I’m trying to do.”

Jackson is still gazing at me, looking slightly stunned. He’s quiet, but it feels like he’s heard me. Really heard me.

I clear my throat and wipe away a few stray tears. “Anyway, that’s why I want to make that trip even though I know you think it’s stupid. I just want to... make a first step.”

“So you want to always be going out on missions of mercy from now on?” His tone isn’t bitter. He really wants to know.

“No. No, of course not. There’s too much we need to do here. I want to keep taking care of the people we have here. But sometimes I want to do a little bit more. I’m not expecting you to come along. I’d never ask you to do something you don’t believe in. And I know I can just do what I want. I don’t need your permission or whatever. But we’ve been doing this together all this time, and I want you to understand and... and accept this. I want you to bewithme, even if you’re not... with me.”

It’s a long time as he looks at me and breathes. I don’t rush him because it seems like he’s trying to process everything. Then finally he nods.

I suck in a quick inhalation. “What does that nod mean?”

“It means I think I get it. I’m with you. I think I understand. I get what you’re saying.”

“So you don’t mind if I make that trip?”

He shakes his head with a little smile. “I don’t mind. Not that it’s ever stopped you before.”

“I know that, but I meant what I said. I don’t want you to hate what I’m doing.”

“I’m always going to hate anything that puts you in danger. I can’t help it. But I won’t resent it. I think I get it. You want to do more than just survive. As long as thatmoredoesn’t take you away from me too often or you decide you don’t want me for your man anymore. Because I’m never going to be okay withthat.”

I giggle and kind of throw myself against him in a hug. “That’s never going to happen. I’m always going to want you for my man.”

“That’s good then. We’re good.” He tightens his arms around me, and he doesn’t let me go.

***

IMAKE PLANS TO LEAVEthe following week for the eastern part of Kentucky. Jackson and I ask for volunteers since we don’t want to make anyone required to make a trip that might be dangerous. So it ends up being me, Ham, Gail, and Langley, which seems like a good group to me.

I’m excited about it—and excited that Jackson seems to genuinely understand and support me. So the next days are good ones. I work hard during the days on my normal chores and also getting ready for the trip. And I go to bed with Jackson every night. We have a lot of sex, and then we stay awake in the dark and talk. I sleep really well and wake up happy, secure for the first time in the knowledge that Jackson feels about me the same way I feel about him.

On the morning I’m planning to leave, I’m in a rush to get everything done, and when I finally get out to the garage to the packed pickup truck we’re taking, I’m on a breathless sort of high.

The only thing I’m not looking forward to is leaving Jackson, even just for a few days.

I’m surprised to see him standing next to the driver’s door of the truck. He’s wearing his worn jeans and a black T-shirt that we salvaged from that Walmart. He pushes his hair back from his forehead and gives me a little half smile.

I come up to him, frowning in confusion. Then I notice the filled backpack set at his feet. “What are—”

“I’m coming with you,” he says softly when I get close.

I gasp and raise my hands to his chest. “You are?”

With a sheepish nod, he admits, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. And I think... I think I want my world to be bigger too.”

I make a little sobbing sound and pull him down into a hug. He hugs me back but just for a minute. He says against my ear, “Not while everyone else is watching, kitten. You can hug me better later on.”

I giggle and pull away. Make a face at Ham, who is giving me a teasing grin.

We start off, and I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. Jackson’s trying to hide it with his normal stern expression, but I can see he feels the same way.

Maybe happiness won’t be such a stranger to us again.

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