Page 51 of Embers

We’re fucking each other now, and we have been since that night the truck broke down and he had to walk so many hours home. It’s what I’ve wanted for a long time, and it’s making both me and Cal happy. I know it is.

But he’ll still only be that way with me when we’re all alone. At home.

If anyone asks about our relationship, we tell them we’re family. It’s pretty much true. After all, it’s no one’s business exactly what our family connection is and how we work it out when no one else is around.

It would be nice though. To be with him in a way that isn’t a dirty secret.

“What’s wrong, Rachel?” Faith asks me, working on stitching clothes in a pile of mending. She never sits and does nothing. She’s always doing something with her hands.

“Nothing.”

“Really? Because you’ve got your impervious mask back on now, but a few seconds ago it looked like you were upset.”

“I wasn’t. Not really.”

“Something about Jackson? Me and Jackson? Were we being obnoxious? I tell him we should be careful about too much PDA because it sometimes bothers people. And it’s so much harder now to find someone to love like that. We lucked out, but not everyone gets that—”

“No, no. It’s nothing like that. You two aren’t in any way obnoxious.” I’m about to leave it there since I’m simply not the kind of girl who opens up to other people, even those I’d consider friends. But it’s been on my mind a lot lately. It seems to be getting harder, bigger. The idea that Cal doesn’t want anyone else to know who we are to each other. So I add almost wistfully, “I guess that’s maybe what it was though. Just a random thought. It would be nice to…” I trail off because if I finished the sentence, I’d tell her more than I intend.

Faith has a strong, pretty face with glowing skin and sharp brown eyes. They slant over to me now, and they seem to miss nothing. “I always wondered,” she murmurs.

I straighten up, trying not to feel too defensive. After all, I opened myself up to this with my words. “You wondered what?”

“About you and Cal. You’ve always said you’re family.”

I clear my throat and can’t quite meet her eyes. “We are. Pretty much.”

“What’s your connection exactly?” Faith is always direct and no-nonsense, but she’s never asked me such a personal question. There’s something about me that keeps people from prying too much. I must put up invisible no-trespassing signs or something.

“My connection?”

“Your connection with Cal. Are you actually related?”

My cheeks feel too warm, and my first instinct is to shut her down. Shut down the whole conversation.

But I don’t do that. I like Faith too much, and maybe there’s something inside me that needs to be said. Needs to share this at last. “N-no. Not by blood.”

“Then how did you get together?”

“I had a boyfriend back in high school. Before Impact. He died. Cal is his dad.”

I can’t tell from her face whether any of this surprises Faith. Her lips part slightly as she thinks. “Oh. I see.” Her eyebrows draw together.

“You don’t look like you see. You look like you’re confused.”

“I guess I am,” she says with a little laugh. “I always kind of thought you and he were…”

“Were what?” It’s not like Faith to hesitate that way.

“Weretogether. Secretly. But maybe if he’s your boyfriend’s dad, that would be kind of weird.”

I clear my throat. Try to think of something to say.

Perhaps it is weird. And inappropriate. Maybe even wrong in a way that Cal has always believed. Maybe we only fell into it because of our traumatic circumstances, and thus our relationship can never be healthy or productive.

I still don’t think so, but I have no way to explain why it works, even to myself.

Just that Cal feels like he belongs to me. All of him. All the way. And I don’t think that will ever change.

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