Page 59 of Embers

“I’m sure you still love him. I know it doesn’t go away overnight. But you should be really angry with him too. I hope you’re not lying here, stewing about everything you should have done differently, everything you might have done to keep this from happening. Because none of this is your fault. He did wrong by you, Rachel, and you shouldn’t be okay with it.”

I’m still crying, but something different has now broken inside me. Something that allows me to recognize she’s right.

I’m not okay with this.

Cal was wrong.

He thought he was doing what’s best for me, even defying his own heart to do it—I’m absolutely convinced that’s true—but he still never should have left me.

When I think about it that way, I really want to wring the stubborn asshole’s neck.

* * *

It’s the anger that gets me out of bed the next morning, and it’s the anger that keeps me going for the next few weeks. I stay at New Haven because I can’t stand the idea of going back to the cabin. At least here I have plenty to do. And other people to distract me.

The days are hard. I pour myself into work and try to act like part of the community. I try to keep Cal out of my mind as much as possible because every time he crosses my mind, I’m overwhelmed by a red-hot haze of fury. Everyone is extra kind to me, which makes me feel weak.

I don’t like feeling weak. I don’t like being angry. I don’t want this life. I want the life I had before with Cal.

And he took it away from me.

One afternoon, I can’t stop thinking about him. Everything he did wrong. Everything he did to hurt me when he had so many other better choices. And I’m finally so angry I have to act on it. I can’t hurt him to his face—which is what I really want to do—so I’m left with nothing but hurting him vicariously.

It would hurt him if I fucked someone else. I know it would. It would break him the same way it would break me if he was screwing another woman. So I decide I’m going to do it.

It’s remarkably easy. There’s a guy named Vince who’s acted like he’s into me for the past couple of weeks. So I get him alone behind the barn, and I make a move on him.

He jumps at the opportunity, and soon he’s kissing me. Putting his hands all over me.

I try to want it. I try to like it—even if it’s in a bitter blur of fury. I try to imagine Cal’s face if he could see me right now.

After all, this was what he always said he wanted. Me to find a nice boy. So I’ll find one.

Vince is a nice boy. And now he’s got his mouth and hands all over me—the way Cal’s used to be.

Let’s see how much Cal wants it now.

I don’t like any of it, but I manage to push through until Vince starts to slide his hand under the waistband of my pants.

My stomach begins to churn. I’m hit with a wave of nausea.

Because it doesn’t matter how much Cal might deserve for this to happen.Idon’t deserve for it to happen. I don’t want this. Not in any way that matters. So I’m not really hurting Cal after all.

I’m only hurting myself.

So I push Vince away and babble out how sorry I am, how I don’t want to do this after all. He’s confused and frustrated and clearly surprised, but he doesn’t push. He leaves me alone.

I slide to the dirt, my back against the barn, and I cry.

Faith ends up finding me there a half hour later. She sits down on the ground next to me.

“I’m okay,” I manage to say.

Faith doesn’t look like she believes me, but she doesn’t argue. “Vince said he thought you might be having a breakdown.”

I laugh in a few dry, bitter huffs. “I guess you could say that.”

She doesn’t answer immediately. Just sits beside me.

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