Page 81 of Embers

I feel heavy and emotional as I dismount and walk over to the front door. It’s locked, but I’ve always had a key, so I unlock it.

The scent of the inside hits me like a wave, along with all the memories that come with it. The first time I stepped in through this door, scared and nauseated and distrustful. Cal bringing me back after Derek died and I ran away. So many peaceful, companionable days working and living with Cal until everything started to change.

Rubbing his back with lotion. The way he warmed me with his body when I almost froze. The first time he touched me. The first time he kissed me. The first time we had sex for real.

It’s too small a cabin to be packed with so many memories. I’m almost crying as I step all the way inside.

It’s dusty. There are cobwebs in the corners. But otherwise the furnishings are exactly as we left them. Two beds. The old recliner. Small table with two chairs. Kitchenette used mostly for storage. Woodstove in the middle of the room.

It was home for so long.

It’s still home for me. My first instinct is to grab the broom and start to clean, but I don’t. I walk outside and check the empty chicken coop. All our chickens are still at New Haven and have been for months now. Then I look through the outbuildings. There are still several run-down vehicles and storage tanks full of gas. I do notice that Cal has definitely been coming back regularly because some of the other stored items are gone.

Eventually I make it all the way to a flat spot at the rear of the property where Cal dug Derek’s grave.

A tied bunch of wildflowers has been carefully laid on top of it. They’re only slightly wilted. Cal must have been here in the past week to leave those flowers.

I do cry then, remembering Derek. His kind brown eyes and sweet smile. The life that got taken away from him.

After a while, I return to the cabin, and I start crying again, standing in the doorway, seeing so vividly the life Cal and I used to have. The one I loved. The one that got so broken.

I swallow over my tears when I sense a presence behind me. Maybe I actually smell him in the air, wafting with the breeze across the distance. The familiar, unmistakable scent of him.

Turning with a jerk, I scan the yard until my eyes land on a solitary figure at the head of the driveway.

Cal.

I sniff and rub my eyes.

“I can keep back,” he says, his face utterly sober. “Saw you leave by yourself and wanted to make sure you were safe. But I can leave you alone if you want.”

“No, it’s all right.”

He walks slowly toward me. When he’s close enough, I can see that his gaze is urgently searching my face. Looking for… something. “You okay?” he asks very softly.

“I think so. I don’t even know why I lost it like this. I just haven’t been up here since…”

“Yeah. I come a lot. This place is filled with ghosts, and some of ’em hurt real bad.”

“They do.” I give another little sob and do my best to swipe the tears away with the back of my hands.

“What do you want me to do, baby? I can’t stand to see you cry. I want to… hold you, try to make you feel better, but I’m the one who broke us. I know I did. So maybe you don’t want that. You want me to go away?”

“No.” I’m strangling on more tears. I can’t seem to stop crying. “Please don’t go away.”

Then I follow all my instincts and lean against his chest. Sob into his shirt. He wraps his arms around me tightly, exactly the way I need them. He holds me, murmuring that he’s here, he loves me, he’s got me, he’s never gonna leave me again, until I finally cry myself out.

It’s when I pull away, out of his arms, that the realization crystalizes.

I believe him.

Ibelievehim.

He loves me, and he’s never going to leave me again.

Nothing in the world will ever convince me otherwise.

My face breaks into a rather wet smile.

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