Page 53 of Embers

“Are we? Because I thought so. I thought it really meant something.”

“You know fuckin’ well that you’re everythin’—”

“Am I? Am I everything to you? Because I’d think if I was, you wouldn’t be so ashamed of me!” I don’t know why all this is spilling out right now. Maybe it’s built up too high in my mind and there’s no room for it anymore. It has to come out. But even as I say the words, I’m terrified of their consequence.

I’ve done this before after all. I’ve confronted Cal on his reluctance about being with me. And every time it’s caused him to rear back dramatically. Pull far away from me.

Unless something significant has changed, that’s what will happen now too.

I know it, but I can’t stop myself from saying it anyway.

“I’m not ashamed of you. Don’t you ever say that.”

“Well, what am I supposed to think then? When you refuse to tell anyone about our relationship or even let me touch you when anyone else is around.”

“I thought you understood.” He’s frowning. He still looks slightly bewildered, as if he had no idea I was so upset about this.

Maybe he didn’t. I’ve said a few things occasionally, but I’ve never made a big deal about it. I’ve always been too scared pressing the issue would push him away. “I do understand, Cal, but that doesn’t mean I like it. How do you think it makes me feel? When we’re supposed to be together. A couple. And you go around treating me like a dirty secret.”

His whole body jerks. “You are not a dirty secret! You’re the best, sweetest, purest thing I’ve ever had in my life.”

“Then why can’t anyone else know? I want to… I want to show the world that we belong to each other. Why don’t you want that too?”

He doesn’t answer immediately. He stares at me, heavy and strangely sad. He takes breath after ragged breath.

“Cal?” My voice is softer now. It feels like I’m about to cry. “Why would it be so bad? People already know we live together. That we’re committed. Connected. Why would it be so bad if they also know we fuck? Why would that change things?”

Again he doesn’t answer me, and I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t have an answer or if he simply can’t get it said.

“You have to tell me.” I reach over and touch him at last, cupping his face with both hands over his beard. “You’re everything to me.”

“You’re everythin’ to me too. You already know that.” His eyes are urgent but still filled with something that looks like grief. It’s terrifying, but I don’t know why. “That’s never changed, not in years. It’s never gonna change.”

“Then tell me why I can’t have everything I want.Tellme.”

It takes him a while, so I wait. The weight of everything I’m feeling is heavy in my chest. My gut.

Until he finally rasps out, “I’m sorry, baby. It still feels… wrong. To me.”

“What?”

“It feels wrong. Bein’ with you like this. I want it more than anything. I wantyou. But it’s still my boy’s girl I got my hands and mouth and dick all over. And I know you care about me. I trust that. But I can’t help but believe it only happened because… because… I’m all you got. So maybe I’m takin’ advantage of you after all.”

I feel like I’m choking. Like I can’t take a full breath. I thought he was over this. Mostly anyway. But he wasn’t. He’s still where he was a year ago.

We’re both still there. Despite everything we’ve been through, we haven’t gotten anywhere at all.

“Shit, baby. I know it sounds terrible. I tell myself I’m wrong to think that. To feel that. I know you’re a grown-up now, and you can make your own choices. But you’d never have picked me. Not if the world hadn’t gone to shit and you got stuck with me.” When I open my mouth to object to this, he goes on, “Don’t try to argue. You know it’s true.”

“But it doesn’t matter what would have happened in a hypothetical world. We live inthisworld. And it’s in this world that I chose you. And that I’ll keep choosing you. That I’ll always, forever choose you.”

His face twists dramatically, like he’s trying to handle overwhelming emotion. “You shoulda got to choose a nice boy your age.”

“I told you before I don’t want a nice b—”

“I know that. I’m sayin’ you shoulda got to choose one, and that choice was taken away from you. It’s not fair. It’s not right. And what the hell kinda selfish asshole would I be if I trap you by your lack of choice? That’s what I’m doin’. I don’t want to admit it ’cause I want to keep you so fuckin’ much, but that’s what I’m doin’. I’m trappin’ you.”

“You are not—”

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