Page 69 of Embers

It’s midnight when I finish my guard shift and come back toward the dwindling campfire. It’s a spring night and a little bit cool but not cold enough to keep a fire going until dawn.

Most of the others have found places to sleep. That’s what I should do too. It will be morning before I know it, and I need to get some rest. I don’t see Cal sleeping, and he wasn’t on guard. I have no idea where he is right now.

And it shouldn’t matter.

I decide I better pee first, so I take my pistol and head out of the perimeter to find a nearby tree to use as cover. I’m on my way back when I’m suddenly face-to-face with Cal.

“I was just peeing,” I say to explain why I was in the dark on my own. I have no doubt that he noticed me leaving and followed to make sure I was safe.

He nods, his eyes devouring my face with a quick look before he lowers them.

I wrap my arms across my chest and try to think of something to say.

Cal seems weird. Tense. He can’t keep his eyes still, and his hands are fisted tightly at his sides.

I suddenly realize that he’s trembling very slightly. “Cal?”

His eyes fly back up to my face. He takes a couple of ragged breaths.

He’s scared, I realize. Nervous. In a way I’ve never seen from him before. He’s scared of being around me. Talking to me. Now that the moment has come.

“It’s okay.” I’m way too emotional, and I wish I wasn’t. “I mean, it’s not really okay, but I don’t hate you. We can… I guess we can talk. We don’t have to completely avoid each other. That makes it awkward for everyone.”

“You don’t hate me?” he asks gruffly.

“No. I never did. I was really angry with you for a long time. And sometimes I still am. But I never hated you. I did…” I clear my throat. “I did understand why you left. It was wrong, but I knew why.”

“It wasn’t ’cause I don’t love you. I hope you knew that.”

“I did know. But you still shouldn’t have done it.”

Usually I can read him, tell exactly what he’s feeling, but I really can’t right now. He’s watching me with an aching, almost bewildered expression. “I thought it was best. For you.”

“I know you did. But it wasn’t only your decision to make.”

If he argues with me right now, if he insists that he was right to hurt me so brutally, then maybe I can finally let go. Give him up. It would be proof that he’s never going to change his mind on what’s so important to me.

But he doesn’t argue. He jerks his head to the side and mutters, “Yeah. I get that now. I’m sorry.”

I never expected that. Not once in all the times I played out a conversation like this in my head. I’m frozen in place, his rough, attractive face blurring in front of my eyes.

We stand in silence for a minute. Then Cal clears his throat. “You did real good. On your own, I mean. Mack would tell me how you were doin’.”

Something flashes inside me. “And it never occurred to you that I would want someone to tell me howyouwere doing too?”

He blinks. “Uh, no. Never once occurred to me. Thought me bein’ around, lurkin’ in your circle of folks, would make it harder for you. That’s why I kept my distance.”

“I know why you did, but that was wrong too. You really think I wouldn’t care whether you were okay?” I hate that my voice breaks on the last word.

He jerks slightly, like he has to stop himself from reaching out. “Thought you’d hate me.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“I guess, but I thought for sure you’d move on. Find another man and be happy. You’re so young and strong and gorgeous and sweet and sexy, anyone would want you. But Mack said you never did.” He shakes his head with that achy, bewildered look again. “You didn’t wanna find yourself a new man?”

My mouth drops open. “No. I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

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