Page 75 of Embers

“Thank you,” I manage to say through the tension in my throat. “Thank you for saying that. What… what changed your mind?”

“I don’t even know.” He reaches out and takes my hand, which is resting on top of the covers. “I think it just came on me slowly. Over these last months. Bein’ away from you, missin’ you so much, made me see more clearly. Until finally I was left with this horrible, painful realization. That I had everythin’ I could ever want in my… in my arms, and I just tossed it away.”

“I think so too. What we had was really special, and what you did to me was wrong. It couldn’t be right. Not to hurt me so much.”

“I know it wasn’t right. Iknowit.”

“But I do think…” This part is so hard I’m not sure I can get it said. I might never have admitted it had I not been bombarded with so much emotional response from Cal’s earnest declaration.

“You think what, baby?” He squeezes my hand. He’s still holding it.

“I do think in some ways it was good for me.” I look away because it’s embarrassing for some reason. More embarrassing than all the times I begged him for sex. “Being away from you. Not good that you left like you did, but good for me to be on my own. I’m… I’m different now. More… more my own person. And I hope I could have gotten there eventually if you hadn’t left, but… I just don’t know.” I take a few shuddering breaths and dare to meet his eyes again. “I don’t know if it makes sense.”

“It does. I can see it too. And that’s the thing that finally… finally drove the nail in for me. Because here you are now—strong and independent and confident and self-sufficient. But still so generous and sweet and softhearted. You’re all of that now. No one in the world can say that you’re not your own person who can make the choices you want to make. But you didn’t get yourself another man. A better man. You still…” He almost chokes on the end of the sentence.

So I finish it for him. “I still love you.”

He nods, his features contorting briefly like he’s trying to control feelings that are simply too strong.

“I do love you, Cal. As far as I can tell, I always will. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. That doesn’t mean we can go back to what we used to have. I just don’t know…”

“I know that, baby. I know we can’t go back. And knowing you love me is enough for me. I’m gonna still keep tryin’ to be the man you’ve always seen in me. You don’t have to forgive me for what I did. And if you want me to take off when we get back and never show my face again, then that’s what I’ll do. If you want me to stick around and be in your life but never fuck you again, then I can do that too. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. Just say the word.”

It takes a minute for me to control myself enough to answer in words. My whole body is shaking with more silent sobs. “I don’t want either of those things, Cal. And I think I can forgive you. Maybe I already have. But I don’t know if…”

“If what?”

“If I can trust you not to hurt me again.” It might be the hardest thing I’ve ever admitted, ever spoken out loud.

Cal is still holding my hand. He hasn’t pulled away like he used to. He sits in silence for a minute, breathing raggedly. He’s obviously as affected by this conversation as I am.

Then he finally says in the soft, matter-of-fact voice he used to use all the time, “I’ve been thinkin’ about that. And I got an idea if you want to hear it.”

“I do. What’s your idea?”

“Maybe we can… we can kinda start over.”

“What?”

“Start over. Go back to the beginnin’.”

I frown. “But I found you gross and scary at first. Do we really want to go back to that?”

He chuckles at that. He’s turned my hand over in both of his and is stroking my palm. “Not our beginning. More like the beginning of a relationship. We can take it slow. Spend some time together. Just easy. Like we’re first startin’ to date. No pressure or expectations or anythin’. Just see what happens.”

I’m almost holding my breath as I listen to him. “Do you… do you really want to do that?”

“Course I do. It’s exactly what I want. You can take your time and figure out what you want. And I can treat you special, like you always deserved but never got.” He glances away again, like he’s self-conscious. “Give me the chance to kinda…”

“Kind of what?”

“Kinda woo you.” He slants me a quick, dry look.

A helpless giggle spills out of me. “Woo me?”

“Sure. Why not?” He clears his throat a couple of times, but his eyes are earnest and tender as they hold mine again. “So that was my idea. What do you think? Should we go back to the beginning and try to take it slow? Just see what happens? You wanna be wooed by me?”

I’m half laughing and half sobbing as I reach out toward him with both arms. He moves onto the edge of the bed and gathers me in. Lets me shake against him until I’m finally able to answer. “Yes, I do. I want to be wooed by you.”

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