Page 52 of Hero

“I know you did. I know that now. And you were looking for… for someone to share your life with. Weren’t you?”

“Yes.” He idly strokes my hair. “I wanted a wife and family. I didn’t have much luck in that department back then, but I wasn’t just playing around.”

“I didn’t realize that before, but I’ve put it together now.” It’s hard. It’s so, so hard. But I make myself say lightly, “Maybe you can still have that.”

He grows still. Very still. He doesn’t answer immediately, and I start to wonder if I pushed too far, assumed too much.

Right now I want to be the woman in Zed’s life. Part of his family. But he’s never said anything hinting he feels the same way. Even the sex we’ve had has been hot as hell but not sweet and intimate.

I have no reason to hope I could ever be the woman in his life.

“Do you…?” His voice is so soft and stretched I can barely hear it.

I adjust so I can see his face. “Do I what?”

“Do you want that?”

It’s my turn to freeze, trapped by an overwhelming rush of nerves and emotion.

He pulls his arm back. “You always seemed so independent. Like you didn’t need a man. Or anyone really. Even back then.”

I lick my lips. “I guess I was. I was never one of those girls who daydreamed about a cozy domestic life. I wanted…” For no good reason, I have to swallow over a hard lump in my throat. “I wanted to be an astronaut.”

He makes a weird breathy sound and pulls me back into a half hug. “I know you did. I’m sorry you’ll never get that now.”

I’m on the verge of crying for no good reason. I thought this was a loss that was years old, but it’s hitting me hard right now. “It’s okay. It was always a long shot even back then.”

“Still.”

“Still.” I sigh and give a little nod. “Everyone had their dreams and their life plans crushed six years ago when the asteroid hit. That’s one of many things it wiped out. So many hopes and dreams. But we’re still here. You and me and Rina have made it this far. So all we can do is build a different sort of life. It doesn’t mean it has to be bad.”

“So what do you see for yourself then? If we can settle somewhere safe?” Zed is back to fiddling with a few strands of my hair.

“I don’t know. I’ll find a job to do. I’m good at a few things.”

“You’re great at a lot of things. You’re great at scavenging. And working in the garden. And teaching Rina.” He pauses. “Maybe you could teach? You’ve always been so smart. Would you like that?”

“I… I don’t know. I’d never thought about it. But I’m sure if they’ve set up schools, they already have people to do the teaching. I really won’t mind doing basic grunt work. I want to contribute. I might not ever be able to be self-sufficient again, but at least I can do that much.”

“Yeah.” He pauses so silence stretches between us for a little too long. “Do you want a… a man?”

I gulp. “I… It depends.”

“On what?”

On whether Zed wants to be that man. I’m not sure exactly when it clarified so concretely in my mind, but it has. I want Zed. And if I can’t have Zed, then I’ll be happier on my own.

“On what happens,” I conclude rather awkwardly.

He clears his throat. “Okay. I think I understand.”

Does he? Because I sure as hell don’t understand what’s happening here.

“If we can settle in a larger community,” he goes on in a thick murmur, “then you’ll have choices. There’s no hurry. You’ll have freedom to decide what you want.”

I turn to peer up at his face, but I can’t read what he’s feeling. His gaze is scanning the woods, looking for threats.

The words sound significant to me, but he doesn’t appear to be intently focused on the conversation.

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