Page 60 of Hero

When he climbs back into bed, he pulls me against him again, looser and more comfortably this time. I expect him to fall back to sleep. I should sleep too, but my mind is still racing.

There’s too much I don’t know. Too much I need to process and make orderly in my head. Line up my worries and give them their place. Take control of my mental chaos so I can settle.

I’ve barely begun when Zed says into the dark of the room, “I’m not going to… I mean, I’m gonna be good.”

“Good?”

“Careful. Not selfish.”

“Not selfish?” I’m so confused and suddenly so scared that I push myself up so I’m blinking down at him.

I can’t see him clearly enough in the dark. Not nearly clearly enough.

“You’ve got…” He clears his throat. “We’ve got options now. We’re not stuck. Not in this town and not with… with each other.”

It hurts so much I make a breathless sound—like someone slammed a fist into my gut.

“I know tonight is different,” he goes on, as if he’s forcing himself to spit out the words. “We’re both kinda… needy. After everything that happened. But I’m not gonna get in your way. I saw a bunch of single men around. Maybe one of them you’ll… you’ll like.”

“Y-yeah.” My throat aches from the effort it takes to get the one word spoken.

This is it. He’s finally talking about what’s happened between us. And it isn’t some kind of miraculous confession of true feelings.

He’s trying to let me down easy. He might as well be slicing open my chest.

“So we should be careful. When we’re out in town. People are gonna think we’re a couple, and we got to be sure we don’t… we don’t let ’em.”

I try to say something coherent. Can’t.

He shifts restlessly. He’s holding on to a fistful of my hair again. “I know neither one of us are much for… for blurting out how we feel. But I wanted to let you know. As best I can. I want you to be… to be happy. To have a good life. So I don’t think we should act like we’re… we’re a real couple.” He makes a weird choked sound. “When we’re not.”

The pain of it pulses in my chest, my throat, my ears, behind my eyes. The world blurs over again like it did after the unexpected rescue earlier today.

But this time isn’t a miraculous reprieve.

It’s the end of dreams I’ve only barely acknowledged I was holding on to.

But now I’ve lost them. I’ve lost him when I could hardly even admit how much I want him.

“Okay,” I finally manage to say after way too long. “That makes sense.”

It’s a ridiculous thing to say, but it’s what I’ve always done. Never ask for anything. Pretend life is okay when it’s not. Protect myself behind a composure that isn’t real. Don’t admit to weakness.

I’m never going to be anyone else.

I gently pull out of his embrace and roll over to the edge of the bed.

“What are you doing?” He reaches out to grab my arm.

I gape at him through the darkness. “You said we shouldn’t… act like a couple. I was going to my own bed.”

“Stay tonight,” he murmurs thickly. “At least stay with me tonight.”

I want to so much that tears fill my eyes, but I manage not to let them fall. Not yet. “No.” I can’t believe I sound as calm as I do. “You were right. If we want to find other… other people, we need to do better.”

I understand everything now, and I can see so clearly how it happened. Why Zed fell into bed with me when I’ve never been the person he wants. So I make myself say all of it. “We shouldn’t fuck each other, just because we’re there.”

My voice breaks on the last word, so I force myself to my feet. I take a few steps toward the door.

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