Page 61 of Hero

“Esther.”

The one word stops me. Yet again, my heart reaches out toward hope I know better than to believe in.

“Thank you. For everything. Rina and I would never have made it without you.”

The tears are falling now, streaming down my face. But it’s dark and my back is to him, so maybe he won’t see. “Same here. Thank you.”

With that, I’m finally able to leave the room.

* * *

I sleep for a few hours because I’m exhausted, but I don’t feel rested the next morning. I feel like I did every morning after someone I love died.

I wash up and dress in silence. Rina is still sound asleep in her bed, and I lean over to kiss her forehead before I leave the room. Buddy comes with me, his tail swishing and his eyes bright.

At least he’s excited to start the day.

Zed is already up, sitting in one of the Adirondack chairs on the front porch. He straightens up when he sees us come out the front door. “Hey.”

Buddy runs over to greet him, and Zed scratches the dog behind the ears.

“Hey.” I manage a smile, but I can’t quite meet his eyes.

“They’ve got breakfast in the dining hall. Down there near the main square. If you want, you can go get some, and I’ll get Rina up in a little while and go eat with her.”

I nod and smile. Nod and smile. “Okay. Sounds good.”

I walk away before I say something else—something that will reveal how heartbroken I feel—or burst into tears again.

Zed suggested eating breakfast that way so we don’t give the impression we’re together. If we all go to the meal together, people will assume we’re a family.

But now it’s becoming clearer that I might not only lose Zed. I might lose Rina too.

Maybe he wants another woman to be a mother to her.

She’s never really been mine.

I go through the motions of walking to the large building they use as a dining hall and getting in line and getting a plate of eggs and bacon. I look around for somewhere to sit. I don’t know anyone.

A friendly woman waves me over and invites me to sit at their table. I meet her family and the other few people who are seated with them. I try to participate in the conversation and remember names and faces.

But I can’t focus. I can barely keep my composure. They see my state of mind but assume it’s exhaustion and disorientation after the long trip.

That’s a good enough excuse.

After about twenty minutes, Zed and Rina arrive. Rina looks around the big room and all the people with her eyes huge and wide. I assume she’s trying to take it all in, but her gaze eventually finds me, and she brightens like the rising sun. She was looking for me. She waves happily and calls out a greeting.

I wave and smile back at her. I think she would run over to see me, but Zed herds her into the food line.

When they get their plates, he leans over to say something into Rina’s ear. Instead of coming over to sit in the empty chairs next to me, they walk across the room and sit at another table.

He told me last night what he was going to do. I can’t expect anything else. Besides, one of the little girls Rina met last night is at the table they join. That girl can be a friend to Rina.

She needs friends.

And I need… It doesn’t matter. I’ll be okay on my own.

I try to continue the friendly conversation with the people I’ve met, but the awareness of Zed and Rina sitting across the room—away from me—grows in my mind until it’s all I can see.

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