Page 37 of Citadel

My heart clenches. I’m holding my breath as I check it out and then wander downstairs to check with the friendly woman who manages the guesthouse.

When I ask about Cole, she looks surprised. Says he left first thing this morning. Didn’t sound like he was coming back. She assumed I already knew.

Of course she would assume I knew.

Everyone would assume I knew.

We were supposed to be friends or traveling companions or something. He fucked me last night, and I thought he enjoyed it.

He said he might stay here. With me.

But he was lying, and I’m nothing but a naive fool who refused to take good advice from my wiser and more experienced sister.

Breanna said not to trust him. She said he was a leaver.

And that’s exactly what he is.

He did have a good time last night, but it didn’t mean anything more than that to him.

It didn’t mean to him what it meant to me.

Because it’s morning now. The night is over. And the deep connection I was feeling with him must have just been in my mind.

Because Cole is gone.

5

Two years later

Meals in Monumentare usually communal. Everything grown or hunted or gathered by the town is collected in a central kitchen, which then plans and prepares daily rations and meals. Folks who don’t want to eat in the main dining room can get food in packs to go, but it’s never as good.

Breanna likes time alone, so she’ll often get a ration pack for lunch and take it to our cottage to eat, but I always stay in the dining hall.

After two years in this town, I know everyone. There are a lot of people I genuinely like, and most of the others I can tolerate without effort. There are a couple of mean girls who immediately decided on our arrival that Breanna and I were competition for male attention. And there are a few men who give me the creeps. The kind I avoid making eye contact with and take pains to never encounter alone. But otherwise I like this town just fine, and the people here seem to like me.

It feels safer here than anywhere since our parents died, and I like the hum of conversation and the sounds of silverware clanking. Laughter. It feels like life. Even though I haven’t bonded deeply with anyone except Breanna, I enjoy being around it.

Today at lunch I chat with Theresa and a few other older ladies who are always trying to find me a man. It’s silly but harmless, and it’s exactly what these ladies would have done back in the old world. I don’t mind the teasing. There are very few unattached men in Monument right now. Most of them would probably jump to attention if I indicated I was interested.

But I’m not.

I had a boyfriend—Tyler—for almost a year, but he died six months ago. Since then, I haven’t been able to drum up much interest in that department.

Breanna and I have been safe enough in this community that we don’t need to give ourselves to a man to survive. Breanna never talks about it, but I know that freedom is a burden off her shoulders, something she never believed she’d be allowed. She laughs at the idea of choosing to be with a man by choice, purely because she wants it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she stays single the rest of her life.

I’m not intending to. I like the companionship of a partner, and I like having sex. I sometimes felt guilty that I wasn’t earth-shatteringly in love with Tyler, but he never seemed to care. He liked having someone to talk to, to share things with, and to sleep with at night.

I liked it too.

Maybe those romantic daydreams about intense passion I used to believe in are nothing but mist, as ephemeral as air. And real partnership looks like something else. The one time I ever felt anything close to passion left me abandoned and crushed. I’m definitely not going to be that stupid again.

Either way, I smile and giggle with the ladies and finish every bite of my stew and salad before I get up to leave the table. Taking a quick sidestep to avoid Morgan Everett (who’s been making heavy advances toward me for a couple of months), I exit through the back of the building and head for the cottage I share with Breanna.

Morgan came to town a few months ago. He made a play for Breanna first, but when she soundly rebuffed him, he moved on to me. He’s definitely interested but not creepily pushy. I don’t think he’d do anything inappropriate with me.

If he does, he’ll get kicked out of town.

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