Page 57 of Citadel

I end up hugging his leg again while I sleep. I have no idea why I keep doing that.

The next morning, after we dress, eat, and clean up the campsite, Cole wants to put more salve on my cut, so I take off my hoodie to let him. He gently pulls aside the strap and rubs on the cream. For some reason, it feels like more than medical treatment this morning. It makes me shiver. Makes my skin flush. I take a shaky breath and step away from him as soon as I can.

While I’m putting back on my hoodie, Cole disappears again. I’m pretty sure he already went to the bathroom, but maybe he needs to go again.

I wait by our stuff until I hear a rustling in the woods. Not in the direction Cole went. It’s probably just a passing animal, but it scares me, so I go find Cole.

I’ll give him as much privacy as I can, but I want to stay close to him in case of danger.

That’s hardly unreasonable, as far as I’m concerned.

When I see a glimpse of his silhouette, I stop. He’s standing up, and I think at first he’s peeing, but his arm is making a weird jerky motion I don’t immediately identify.

Then I do.

He’s masturbating.

He’s pointed away from me, and I can only see one side of his back, but there’s no other explanation for the way his arm and shoulder are moving.

Oh fuck.

I should turn away. It’s wrong to watch. But I’m not sure how I can help it. Heat slams into me. My heart starts to race. And pressure tightens between my legs so quickly it aches.

I only stand frozen for a short time. His motion intensifies and then stills. I hear a sharp inhale and an extended exhale. His body visibly relaxes.

Mine clenches hard with a very inconvenient arousal.

I step backward quickly until I’m out of sight. Then I return to the campsite; hopefully there’s not a bear or a prowling wolf waiting for me. All I know is I can never let Cole know what I witnessed.

He needs his privacy, and I need to pretend I don’t feel the way I feel.

A minute or two later, he returns, his expression as stoic as ever and his cheeks just slightly flushed. If I didn’t know better, I would have no idea what he’d just done.

“Ready?” he asks curtly when I stand and stare.

“Yep. Just waiting for you. I thought I heard something in the woods back there.”

He frowns. Glowers is a better word for it. “Then you should have let me know.”

I open my mouth and close it again.

There’s nothing in the world I can say.

* * *

The next two days follow in much the same way other than witnessing Cole jerking off. Maybe he does it again, but I don’t know about it. And I have neither privacy nor peace enough to do it myself although I could really use the release.

The gang is headed west. And we have no idea if they’re on their way to a specific destination or if they roam aimlessly, looking for any provisions or people they can pick off. We manage to keep pace with them because they stop so much for scavenging. But every time we get a glimpse of their camp, they’re too well-guarded for us to approach.

Eventually we’re going to have to figure something else out. We can’t keep following them forever, and there may never be a moment vulnerable enough for us to risk an incursion.

I assume Cole has reached the same conclusions, but I don’t bring it up. It feels depressing. Upsetting. I still have had no glimpse of Breanna, so I’m only working on a faint hope that she’s still alive and with them.

If the gang is headed to a specific destination, it might be even better guarded than their camps.

We may never have had a chance to begin with.

On the fourth evening, after we make camp for the night, I’m feeling blah and exhausted and anxious. I try to make casual conversation as Cole roasts a squirrel he managed to kill and we boil more water to fill our bottles.

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