Page 58 of Homestead

And that’s what I need to avoid.

“Nah, it’s fine.” I grab my sweatshirt because it’s chilly in the room. Since the nights have been milder lately, Jimmy hasn’t kept the fire in the woodstove roaring all night. “I’m good. Unless there’s more you want to say?”

He holds my eyes but evidently doesn’t find whatever he’s looking for there. He jerks his head to the side, frowning at the wall.

“Okay,” I say, managing one more smile. “It’s cold in here, so I’m going to get the fire going. I’ll wait until you’re up and ready before I go to the bathroom.”

The escape to the kitchen is a relief. I add a piece of wood and stoke a fire in the stove. Jimmy shows up, dressed now, after a few minutes, and he waits in the doorway as I use the outhouse.

He does his chores. I make fried eggs with some leftover ham for breakfast. We discuss our plan for the day as we eat. I’ll go with Jimmy to his parents’ today, and he’ll stay home tomorrow so I can finally do the laundry that’s piling up.

It still feels wrong to me. I’m still sure it’s an overreaction on Jimmy’s part to a random, unpredictable incident. It makes absolutely no sense if I have any hope of my fulfilling all my responsibilities here.

But he made it clear. This is his decision.

And I have to go along with it.

Maybe I’ll get used to it. Maybe it won’t always bug me the way it does right now.

I wash the dishes and wipe the sink and counter. Then I pack one of my loaves of bread to take with us. I have extra from last week because we’ve spent so much time at the Carlsons’, and it will get stale before we have the chance to eat it.

I’m ready when Jimmy is, and we make the trek to his parents’ farm.

With effort, I find light, easy topics of conversation for the walk. He’s kind of stiff, but he responds when conversation requires it, so at least it’s better than yesterday.

Today is Greta’s baking day, so I help her and Paula in the kitchen.

Laura is working outside with the men. I’m not sure what exactly she’s doing, but she’s obviously stronger and more competent than me. She’s able to help in ways I’m not.

Jimmy might have been happier if he’d chosen her.

It’s the first time since I moved in with him that I’ve felt insecure about Laura. It nags at me. Pesters me for hours, even when I try not to indulge it.

Jimmy hasn’t had a bad time since we’ve been together. He’s acted perfectly content with me up until Sunday. There’s no reason to assume he’d prefer another woman. He simply didn’t like my attitude yesterday, and that’s something I can fix.

I usually like baking, but the morning still drags on forever. At one point, Greta gives me an encouraging talk about how, despite the trauma of the attack, I’ll eventually learn to stay by myself again.

It’s like someone is clawing away my skin. Her assumption is that I’m the problem, I’m the one too scared to stay at home on my own. Yesterday I attempted to set her straight, but it obviously didn’t stick.

I don’t even try today. It might annoy Jimmy, and I’m determined not to do that again.

So I swallow it all down.

Life isn’t always fair. In fact, it almost never is. Righteous vindication rarely happens, and it’s not the most important thing anyway.

I need to survive. I need a safe space in the world. Jimmy is my only decent option for that, so his happiness has to be my priority.

I’ve had four really good months with him. There’s no reason I can’t have that again. All I need to do is get over this one hurdle.

Today they finish up the work in the fields by midafternoon. Greta wants us to stay for dinner, but Jimmy says we’ve got work to do at home.

I do anyway.

Today is the day of the week I always clean the outhouse, so I should have time to do that when we get back. That way I won’t get even further behind on my chores.

When we get home, Jimmy is so incredibly filthy that I ask if he wants to take a bath.

He appears surprised by the offer, but he can’t deny the fact of his dirtiness. He agrees, dragging in the tub so I can start filling it up while he goes outside to check on the chickens and pigs. They haven’t been happy with our long absence for the past couple of days.

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