Page 85 of Homestead

He moves in an awkward rush to get out of the bed. He tries standing, but his legs don’t hold him up. He sits down with a jerk on the edge of the bed. “You think that, don’tcha? That if you don’t do everythin’ right and make me happy all the time, that I’m gonna just kick you out.” He’s dead white beneath his beard.

“It’s not like—” I cut off my own words because the truth is obvious.

That’s exactly what I’ve always believed.

And I’ve always believed it because it’s true. How could it be anything but true?

This self-evident truth slams down on me once again, and with it comes a rush of defensiveness and a flash of anger. “What else am I supposed to think? I’m not insulting you or talking mean about you. That’s what we’ve been from the beginning. That’s what this is. We aren’t some kind of romantic couple, and don’t pretend we are. We’re… This… It’s… atransaction. You give me food and shelter and protection, and I take care of the house and make you happy. Isn’t that what we are? Why are you suddenly so shocked and offended by it?”

He blinks, clearly taken aback by my challenging tone. He’s still pale and stunned. His gaze suddenly drops to the floor. “I thought… I thought…”

“You thought what?” My voice breaks on the last word because it almost—almost—feels like hope.

“I thought you liked me,” he mumbles. He’s still not meeting my eyes.

“I do like you! You’ve been so good to me, and I’ve tried to show you how much I appreciate you. But that doesn’t change how tenuous my situation is here. This is a good… a good arrangement. But you’ve got way more power in it than I do. This is your home. Your community. Your people. If this doesn’t work, who do you think is going to get kicked out into the cold?”

His eyes shoot up, urgent again but still pained. “You think I’m that kinda monster?”

“It’s not about being a monster. It’s always been part of the deal. And I’ve been trying as hard as I can to be who you want me to be so the arrangement keeps working. But you can’t be so shocked that sometimes that means not… not showing you every single part of me.”

I can’t believe I’ve said all that. That I’ve blurted out so much that’s always been unspoken between us.

But I’m not wrong. I know I’m not wrong.

Jimmy is the one being unreasonable. He can’t ask someone to be his woman in a practical deal and then act all sad and baffled when she finally puts that deal into words.

He stares some more. An excessively long time. Then some sort of understanding settles over him. I see it happen. But it’s not peace or acceptance. It’s a cold, bleak recognition.

“I see,” he mutters, dropping his gaze to the floor again. “I get it.”

I’ve messed up. I’ve really messed up.

He looks stiff. Closed off.

Broken.

And it’s my fault. Mine alone. He was never like this until I finally told him the truth.

I should have kept quiet. It’s always, always safer that way.

“Jimmy, I’m so sorry.” There’s a sob in my voice that doesn’t break. “I didn’t mean?—”

“I know. I get it. Igetit.”

“It’s nothing personal. You understand that, don’t you? I know you’re a good man, and you’ve been so good to me. But it’s not the same as… as…”

“As a real relationship. Yeah. I get it.” He won’t even look at me.

So damn it, I start crying again. “But you’re upset! The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. But you kept demanding that I tell you the truth, so I… I did. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He gives his head a weird jerk and clears his throat. “I wanted the truth and I got it. You don’t got anythin’ to be sorry about.”

“But—”

“You don’t gotta be scared. I’m not gonna kick you out. You’ve done your part in this… this arrangement and more. I’m not gonna kick you out.”

“But—”

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