Page 90 of Homestead

It’s absolutely true, but he makes it sound so terrible. He lets go of me, and I hug my arms tightly to my chest in an attempt to rein in my shaking.

“What was I supposed to think? You always pull out. You never said a word about us having a baby. You never said anything to make me think it was something you’d want. You never really open up to me even when I ask you about things. What was I supposed to think? Why are you acting like I betrayed you? All this time, I’ve just been trying to follow our deal.”

He stares at me a long time, breathing raggedly. Finally he jerks his head to the side, closes his eyes, and mutters, “You’re right. You followed our deal. You haven’t betrayed me. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“But you’re hurt! I hurt you!”

“I’m not hurt. I’m…” He lets out an almost bitter laugh. “Everything I’m feelin’ right now is all my own fault. It’s not yours. You haven’t done anythin’ wrong.” He pushes himself to his feet and then bends down to help me stand too.

I’m still shaky, but I manage to hold myself up. “I don’t want you to be hurt, Jimmy. I want you to be happy.”

“I know you do. I’ll be fine. I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He reaches out to cup my cheek for just a few seconds, then lets his hand drop.

“What about…?” I rub my belly.

“You don’t have to worry about that. If the baby makes it, we’ll have a baby. We’ll be okay parents. Don’t you think?”

I nod, part of the tension finally relaxing inside me. “I think so.”

“Okay. Good. We’ll be all right. I just gotta… I gotta adjust my…” He clears his throat and gives his head a hard shake. “We’ll be fine.”

It doesn’t feel exactly fine to me. Something is still really wrong. But it’s better than it was before. At least I’m not terrified that I’ll lose everything that means anything to me. “Okay.”

He sighs and peers down at me. “Let’s head home. You look like you’re gonna fall over at any minute.”

“I’m not that bad.”

“Well, you’re clearly not feelin’ good, so let’s go home anyway.”

“Okay.” I’m still filled with fluttery anxiety, and I need to do something to calm it a little or I’ll never make it home. So, greatly daring, I reach over for Jimmy’s hand, gripping it needily.

He doesn’t pull his away, so I can keep holding on to his hand as we say goodbye to the others and then leave the farm to head home.

16

We’re still holdinghands when we’ve left the row of small farms and homes behind us but haven’t yet reached the woods.

Neither of us is saying much, but the silence doesn’t feel quite so bleak and despairing as it did before.

Things might not be great, but they’re also not terrible. Everything isn’t going to fall apart, and maybe slowly we’ll be able to fix this. Get back to where we were before.

Or maybe something even better.

I’m still terrified about the idea of being pregnant, but at least I no longer fear I’ll be left abandoned to try to keep a baby alive all by myself. I’m almost certain I saw a flicker of excitement on Jimmy’s face as he realized I was pregnant. It was quickly swallowed up with other feelings, but at least the core of it exists.

Maybe part of him likes the idea of being a father. Maybe we can actually do this.

Maybe.

All those thoughts are whirling inside my head when Jimmy suddenly jerks to a stop.

I stop too, gazing up at him with wide eyes.

“I’m real sorry, Chloe,” he bursts out.

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