Page 31 of Beacon

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

“What time is it?”

“Not dawn yet. We’ve still got time.”

I need to get to the Carlsons’ farm by midday so Cal and Rachel don’t leave without me, but Mack is going to drive me in the ATV so we’ll make much better time than I did on my way here.

We stare at each for a long stretch of time. I wait to see if he’ll say something—share how he’s feeling and what he really wants—but he doesn’t.

So I can’t resist. I ask softly, “Are you sure you don’t want to come home with me?”

His expression tightens but only briefly. He mutters, “I can’t. I’m… I’m not ready.”

“Okay. I get it.” I’ve been trying very hard to be good and not pressure him in any way, but I’m running out of time. That knowledge and the desperation it provokes pushes me to continue. “You wouldn’t have to… to do what you used to do. You could find a cabin or something that’s out of the way. But… but closer to all your friends than this.”

I can’t tell if he’s getting angry or defensive, but he’s not showing it if he is. “I can’t, Anna. I can’t… I can’t dothisif I’m close.”

He’s probably right. If he was close enough to safelyreach, he’d have one visitor after another, each of them determined to draw him back.

“Besides,” he continues in that same thick mutter, “they’ll never forgive me for leaving like I did.”

I gasp, startled out of the gentle calm I’ve been hanging on to. “What? What are you talking about? Of course they’ll forgive you. There’s nothing to forgive.”

“Yeah, there is.” He lets out a long, shaky breath. “I walked away. I walked away from people who needed me. Who trusted me. You know how Faith is about men who leave.”

Now I understand what he’s talking about and that it’s not as irrational as I first assumed.

It’s not surprising he’s identified Faith as the source of the reaction. New Haven has been central to our region for as long as I’ve been part of it because the farm was self-sustaining even immediately after Impact. No one could thrive in the area without cooperating and trading with New Haven, and Faith and Jackson will only work with like-minded people, those who value hard work, generosity, and fair treatment.

Because of this, the farm has shaped the spirit of the region in a tangible way, and the heart of New Haven has always been Faith’s kindness, strength, and clear vision of right and wrong—and Jackson’s absolute devotion to her.

Faith will always resent men who leave, and so the rest of the community more or less reflects that.

“It won’t be like that, Mack,” I say, reaching out tostroke his rough beard. “She forgave Cal. Everyone forgave Cal.”

“That’s becauseRachelforgave Cal. If she hadn’t, he never would’ve been taken back. You know he wouldn’t’ve.”

“Y-yeah. That’s probably true. But you didn’t walk away and hurt someone the way he did.”

“I walked away and hurt everyone.” It clearly pains him. This knowledge of what he sees as his own failure. His own weakness. I can see the angst tightening his mouth, his jaw, his shoulders.

“No, you didn’t. Not in the same way. I haven’t heard anyone talking bad about you. Everyone’s mostly just worried about you.”

He takes a couple of slow breaths. A muscle spasms on his jawbone.

I’m so upset I sit up. “Mack, no one is angry with you. I promise they’re not. Please don’t let that keep you away.”

He still doesn’t answer.

“I know Faith and Jackson have been pivotal, but they’re not the only ones who have shaped who we are. You have too, Mack. Faith might be our moral center, but you’ve always been our heart.You, Mack. Your courage and your laughter and your care for every single person you encounter and your… your empathy. They’re going to understand, Mack, because you would have understood them.” A couple of tears stream down my face despite my best effort to hold them back. “If there’s anything to forgive, they’ll forgive becauseyouwould have forgiven them.”

He makes another one of those throaty sounds that don’t form real words. His shoulders shake very briefly, and for a moment I have hope that I’ve really gotten through the barriers he’s erected around himself.

I whisper, “They love you, Mack, because you’ve always loved them.”

He swallows hard over the rise of emotion inside him. “I… can’t.”

Swiping away my tears, I nod. I can’t speak immediately, but as soon as I control my inner sobbing, I say hoarsely, “All right. Are you still okay taking me back to Cal and Rachel this morning?”

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