Page 51 of Beacon

“Yes!” I’m relieved I sound just slightly strained. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. Just picking up vibes. You upset about something?”

“No, of course not! Sorry. Just have some… digestion issues. I’ll be out in a minute.”

My spontaneous excuse is evidently effective because Mack leaves me alone until I’ve pulled myself together, washed my hands and face, and come out.

He makes me take some stomach pills from the medicine cabinet, and I can’t refuse because then I’d have to tell him the truth. It’s my heart that’s hurting, not my stomach.

While I was in the bathroom, Mack hauled out an old box television from the storage closet and hooked it up to a DVD player. We found a case of DVDs in the garage,and he suggests we watch something this evening since I’m not feeling good.

I’m not feeling good—but not for the reasons he believes. But I’m happy for an easy evening on the couch with Mack, watching a procedural crime and justice series from the nineties.

Eventually I recline against him. He wraps his arms around me.

And I feel safe and protected and comforted.

And also strong and needed.

I never understood those things were possible at the same time, but they are.

Because I’m experiencing them now. With Mack.

And I know—if only he wanted it too—we might be together just like this for the rest of our lives.

10

The next morningI wake up hours before dawn because I have some period cramps.

I go to the bathroom to pee and wonder why I’m having cramps on the last day of my period when my flow is so light it’s barely there. My period has been weird ever since Impact, occasionally skipping months and never remaining consistent. There’s no telling what my ovaries and uterus are up to at any given moment. So I take a couple of ibuprofen from the medicine cabinet and then climb back in bed beside Mack.

He’s still mostly asleep, but he mumbles out, “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m good. Just going to the bathroom.”

“Stomach still hurt?”

“No, it’s fine. Some period cramps, but no big deal.”

“Okay. Way too early to get up yet.” He sounds fondand groggy. He pulls me over so I’m cuddled up beside him. “So get over here by me and go back to sleep.”

I rub my face against him and resituate to get more comfortable.

Even half asleep, Mack is the most tender, considerate man I’ve ever known.

I close my eyes and drape an arm around his middle, hanging on to his side as I try to relax back into sleep.

There’s no reason I shouldn’t. I can usually doze back off when I wake up this early in the morning, and the cramps aren’t bad enough to really bother me. But I’m thinking about Mack—enjoying the warmth and strength andbignessof his body and the sweetness of his soul—and it makes me think of a conversation I had with my friend Layne more than two years ago.

Layne, Travis, and the kids have lived in a cute little cabin in the woods, tricked out by a prepper like Chloe’s grandpa’s cabin since Mack and I connected with them after Fort Knox fell. They’ve managed to scavenge and save enough gasoline to fuel their Jeep, so they’ve been able to stay on their own there for years, although they come fairly often to Halbrook or New Haven to help with jobs, visit with their friends, and get provisions.

One of their visits lasted longer than they expected because the construction job Travis was helping with ran into issues, so Layne needed to run back to the cabin to get some extra supplies for the baby. Travis stayed to work, and Faith and the others at New Haven were happy towatch the kids, so I rode with Layne so she wouldn’t have to travel alone.

It was a fairly easy drive in the Jeep, and Layne and I had a great time on the trip, talking about life, reminiscing about the English class I taught her, and reciting our favorite poems. We only stayed at the cabin for an hour since we wanted to return to New Haven before dark. On the way back, we continued talking, but the topics got more serious.

She was pregnant with her third then, and I asked whether she and Travis were planning to keep going. She told me they were. Being pregnant as well as labor and delivery have been easier for her than for a lot of other women, and she loved having babies around more than anything. Travis adored having kids as much as she did, and she wanted to keep going as long as she remained healthy and strong enough to do so. Even back then she knew they’d have to move into town when their oldest reached school age.

Our talk transitioned from there. She asked me if I ever wanted children, and I told her the truth. I did. I always wanted to be a mom when I was younger. When I married Josh, I assumed he and I would start trying as soon as I finished college. But at that point it was clear to me that he was an angry, difficult man, and I wasn’t going to bring a child into that environment, so I gave up the dream.

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