Page 63 of Beacon

Those are my meditations as I sit next to Mack on the same large tree stump where I found Chloe and Jimmy yesterday. He’s just as quiet and contemplative as I am, but he also seems restless. Oddly jittery.

Mack has never been a jittery man.

After a long stretch of time, I reach over to rub his thick thigh over the army fatigues he’s wearing. The trousers are threadbare now, worn thin and soft.

“I’m okay,” Mack mutters, evidently reading my mind.

“Okay.”

“I am. Just can’t sit still.”

“I know the feeling. I’ve always hated this moment. Right before we move out on a mission. The tension of it. The uncertainty. The last gasp before the plunge.”

He leans forward like he’s trying to take a deep breath. “Yeah.”

I squeeze his knee. “But you usually aren’t this antsy.”

“I know. It feels different. Since I’m not gonna… Maybe I should suck it up and help.”

I shoot him a quick look. “Only if that’s really what you want to do.”

“It’s not. I honestly don’t want anything to do with… with violence… with fighting… ever again.” His handsome face twists with reined-in feeling. “But that’s no way to exist in this world.”

“Maybe not entirely. But you don’t have to go seeking it. There are other people who can take your place. You’ve done more than your share for way, way too long. You don’t have to do everything.”

He moves his mouth, but it’s more a restless gesture than an attempt to speak. Finally he breathes out, “I guess.”

I move my hand to his shoulder and squeeze the tight muscles there. When he sighs, I slide my fingers over to massage behind his neck.

He lets me work on him for a few minutes. Then he finally straightens up and turns his head toward me. “I’d feel better if you weren’t rushing off into danger while I’m sitting on the sidelines.”

“You know why I have to do this,” I murmur.

“Yeah. I know. But I still don’t like it. I want…”

When he doesn’t finish the thought, I can’t help but prompt, “You want what?”

“I want… I don’t even know what I want.”

“I know the feeling.” I lean over to press a kiss on hischeek. Then his mouth. “I think all we can do is the best we can in whatever situation we find ourselves. We do our best to make the right choices—and sometimes those are the only choices that don’t tear us apart. So I think it’s best for you to stick with your choices until another route calls to you so strongly you can’t ignore it. Then you can change course. But don’t keep second-guessing yourself unless you’re purposefully ignoring what you know is right.”

He nods as if what I’ve said has really gotten through to him.

“And I’ve never known you to ignore what you know is right,” I add.

He huffs dryly. “What about seven weeks ago when you showed up at the cabin for the first time?”

I can’t help but giggle as I lean my head against his shoulder. “Well, you might have ignored what was right for a little while, but it didn’t last long. You took me in even though everything inside you didn’t want it. You followed me when I left to make sure I was safe even though you didn’t have to. And you were plunged right back into violence because you did the right thing. You shouldn’t ever doubt yourself, Mack. You make the right choice more often than anyone else I’ve ever known.”

He wraps an arm around me as if he’s seeking as well as giving comfort. “I want to keep doing it,” he says hoarsely.

“You will.”

We sit like that for a while, and I feel better than I have all morning. Until Mack finally says in a different tone, “Are you sure I can’t snatch you up, haul you away like a caveman, and carry you back into The Wild?”

I giggle because I know he’s mostly teasing. “That’s probably not the best choice in this particular circumstance.”

“I didn’t think so.”

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