Page 56 of Beacon

“You should have told me a long time ago. I could’ve had years of that kind of treatment.” He’s light. Mostly teasing. So it doesn’t upset me.

But I do say, “No, you wouldn’t have. In the past, you wouldn’t let me give you blow jobs very often. And definitely not likethat.”

“I guess not. I was worried it would be… hard or… degrading or something. Since you told me Josh used to expect them from you.”

“Yeah.” I’m feeling pretty good overall. The orgasm took care of the last of my period cramps, and I feel satedand close to Mack. Even the mention of Josh doesn’t bring down my mood very much. “But it wasn’t really giving him blow jobs that was the problem. He used to expect sex every day. He never forced me or anything. But I was only nineteen when we got married, and I had no experience with men before him. So I was completely innocent, and I believed him. A wife was supposed to give her husband sex every night. I wanted to be a good wife.”

Mack snarls slightly. “Bastard.”

“Yeah. He really was. But I should have been… I don’t know. I keep thinking I should have made better decisions and saved myself from the whole thing. Anyway, I tried for the first year to always have sex when he wanted, but then I was into my practice teaching, and I was stressed and exhausted and didn’t feel like sex every night. So I started giving him blow jobs because they were quicker and easier for me.”

“He didn’t deserve anything from you.”

“No. He didn’t. He wasn’t terrible the whole time, but he definitely got worse. We were both young, but he was always kind of angry. And he got meaner and meaner with me, especially when I got that teaching job in Meadows and was really enjoying it and was getting a life that wasn’t about him. He never hit me though. Not then. He just got louder and meaner. I’d run myself in circles trying to predict and manage his moods so he wouldn’t lash out at me.”

“You shouldn’t have had to do that.” He’s playing witha bunch of my hair, holding it and then letting it slip through his fingers.

“No. I shouldn’t have. The ridiculous thing was my dad was similar, and I saw my mom doing the same things I was doing in my own marriage. I guess I’m textbook. Repeating the same patterns. I had a mean, angry dad and then married a mean, angry husband.” I pick up my head to smile down at Mack. “But I’ve made much better choices since he died.”

His expression softens. Then he says almost hesitantly, “You’ve never told me how he died.”

“What?”

“Josh. I knew he was dead, but you never told me what happened to him.”

“Oh.” I swallow. Put my head back down on his shoulder since it seems safer that way. “I thought I had.”

“You haven’t. I figured it was too raw and hard for you, so I never asked directly. You don’t have to tell me now if you don’t want.”

“No. It’s okay. After Impact… After Impact, he got worse. A lot of people did. All the fear and the stress and the struggle to even survive. He eventually started to hit me. He’d do it once and then act all sorry and promise to never do it again. He’d be good for a while, but then he’d do it again. In the old world, I think him hitting me would have been a hard line for me. I really think I would have left after the first time. But after everything fell apart… I felt trapped. Iwastrapped. How the hell was I going tosurvive on my own in that world right after Impact. Everything was chaos. And so incredibly dangerous.”

“So what happened?” he murmurs gently.

“It went on like that for about six months. Then one day he hit me in the face. I tried to cover the bruise with the makeup I had left, but an older lady in town noticed and asked about it. I… I told her. The truth. That he was hitting me and it had been going on for a while. Nothing I did would make him stop.”

Mack is silent. His hand is still now as it rests on my back.

“Then… Then the next day…” I take a ragged breath. “Maybe it was just a coincidence. I never knew for sure. But the timing… Anyway, the next day he went off into the woods with a hunting party like normal. He never came back.”

“Fuck,” Mack breathes out.

“They said it was an accident. Someone else was shooting in the area and must have mistaken him for a deer or something. But he was wearing orange, so… I don’t know. But he was dead, and I was…”

“You were what?”

“I was so relieved. Not sad at all. Just relieved.”

“Of course you were. Anyone would have been.”

“And it was then I decided I was going to make the best of my freedom and new start. Even though we were going through an apocalypse, why shouldn’t I finally try to learn how to be strong?”

“You did.”

“Yeah. I think I did okay. I did get stronger, and maybe I’ve also finally figured out that real strength isn’t what I used to assume it was.”

“That makes sense.” He pauses. Then adds softly, “I’m proud of you. Thank you for telling me.”

I press a little kiss against his shoulder since I can’t get any words out.

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