Page 60 of Beacon

“Okay,” I say, smiling at Greta. “Then I guess we’ll take this room if you don’t think anyone else should have it more than us.”

“No reason you shouldn’t have it.” She focuses on Mack. “Haven’t forgotten what you did for my Jimmy. I’m not going to forget it.”

Mack nods stiffly, and I reach over and rub his back. “Congratulations on your grandbaby,” I say to Greta, trying to break the tension so Mack doesn’t clam up. “He’s such a handsome boy.”

“He is.” Greta evidently needs no encouragement to chat about her grandson. She gives us a full account of the infant’s first two weeks, gushing about how well Chloe did with her pregnancy and labor and how uniquely brilliant and spirited Sammy is.

By the time she’s stopped talking, we’ve settled ourstuff in the room and headed to the kitchen to find the others.

Before we get there, I pull Mack to a stop and raise my hands to cup his face. “You doing okay?” I whisper.

His face softens. Despite my worries, he hasn’t fully withdrawn back into his internal cave. He smiles down at me. “I’m okay, Anna. You don’t have to fuss over me.”

“I’m not meaning to fuss. But I know this might be hard for you. It’s really okay if you want to take off right now and head back to the cabin.”

His mouth tilts downward slightly. “Did you want me to go?”

“N-no.”

“Do you?”

“No, I really don’t. I’m just—” I cut off my own words, trying to decide how to phrase my next thought. “I’m just worried. About how you’ll feel when everyone else gets here.”

“How do you think I’ll feel?” He clearly doesn’t understand what I’m trying to express, and who can blame him?

“They all love you and will be excited to see you. They’ll assume… I mean, they’ll expect you to help out with this whole thing the way you used to. They won’t mean to, but they’ll end up putting pressure on you and maybe making you feel guilty for your decision.” I lick my lips nervously, dropping my eyes. “I don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want you to feel pressure. I want you to be… be free.”

I hear his exhale, but I’m too jittery to check his expression. He cups my face with one big hand. “Anna.”

I obey the admonition in the one word and look back up at him.

“Thank you. For taking care of me. But I don’t need to be shielded. I understand the consequences of my own decisions, and there’s no guilt or pressure others can place on me that I’m not already putting on myself.”

“But I don’t want you to feel that way!”

“I’m not sure I’m capable ofnotfeeling this way. Not unless I’m certain that what I’m doing is right. And I’m not sure of that right now.” He gives his head a shake and glances to the side. “But I don’t know what else to do.”

“You need to do what feels right to you no matter what anyone else says or thinks. The people who love you won’t think any less of you. I promise they won’t.”

He looks back at me, soft now and almost wistful. “You don’t think less of me?”

“Of course I don’t! You’ve held all of us up, you’ve carried so many of us for so long that you deserve to be freed of all that weight now. You don’t have to carry it anymore, Mack. Youdon’t.”

He doesn’t answer, but he also doesn’t look away. He’s searching my face with a silent urgency, and I really don’t know what he’s looking for.

I also don’t know if he finds it or not. He finally says, “I’m gonna stay the night. I need to know what the plan is. I’m not gonna let you get killed.”

“I won’t get killed. They never give me the risky positions. I’m always basically backup.”

“Nothing wrong with that.”

“No. There’s not.” I sigh. “It used to bother me, but it really doesn’t anymore. I don’t need to be some sort of hero. I just want to help—in any way I can. I want to be someone others can depend on when they need it and not just a burden or a distraction.”

“You were never a burden or a distraction. I could always depend on you.”

I give him a bittersweet smile and pull his handsome, familiar head down so I can kiss him lightly. “No, you couldn’t. You always carried me too.”

I don’t wait for Mack to answer before joining the others in the kitchen because he’ll probably just give me empty reassurances again. He’ll want me to feel better, but he doesn’t understand what I do.

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