Page 152 of Please Hate Me

The wind whistling against the windows was bitter, but it had nothing on the chill of his gaze.

“Where’s Mason?” His words came quickly, devoid of all the emotion he usually showed for her.

“Sleepin’. Now hush, before you wake the whole house.” I scolded.

But he shook his head.

“We’re going outside to smoke.”

“I quit when Mason showed up.Oneof us likes her enough to do that.”

Normally, Seb would snap at me for less than that. But this time, instead of verbally assaulting me, he tensed his jaw. The vein on the side of his neck pulsed, but his eyes never left mine.

“Cameron Cole doesn’t smoke. The jury is still out deliberating whether or not Calvin Waters does.”

I choked as the peace I had felt just moments ago evaporated, and my thoughts turned frenzied. I knew he was onto me. There was no reason why he’d make Mason read that article if he wasn’t. But, naively, I’d assumed I had more time before he confronted me.

“Are you going to arrest me?” That was all I could think to say. But, considering Sebastian had admitted to killing someone before, maybe prison should’ve been the least of my worries.

His throat bobbed as he swallowed.

“This isn’t an inside conversation.”

I’d been proud of myself for quitting cigarettes cold turkey, but damn, I had missed smoking. My first draw was a bit overeager; the menthol in the cowboy killer Sebastian had lent me was almost enough to do me in. I coughed into my fist after my first exhale, trying to hide my watering eyes. Seb had yet to look away from me since getting home; it was as if I was a wild animal, and he was waiting for me to strike.

He pinched the brown filter between two fingers as he brought the cancer stick to his lips. His chest swelled with a breath, and he held it for a moment before letting the smoke tumble out.

“You need to take your shirt off.” he ordered.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I felt shy. I used my free hand to cover the buttons on my chest.

“Sorry, I ain’t one to just get naked.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes before taking a long draw to finish his cigarette. Once the filter was out of his hands, he immediately reached for another. I had to wonder: did I ever smoke that much?

“Don’t flatter yourself,” he snorted. “It’s for work.”

I gripped my shirt tighter. What did he know?

The cigarette dangled from his lips as he used both hands to light it; his left struck the white lighter, and his right shielded it from the wind. Once it caught, he examined me for a minute before reaching into his pocket, producing a folded-up piece of yellowed paper, and extending it to me. Cautiously, I took it, unfolding it slowly for fear that it might disintegrate. A lump formed in my throat as I examined the ink.

Decades had gone by since I last saw these faces: the family that went up in smoke along with the house I was raised in. I was the only one to walk away that night. But staring at the faces of my mother, brothers, sisters, and my real father didn’t comfort me. Instead, it reignited the guilt I had barely been able to snuff.

If I had just tried harder, how many of them would still be alive? If I hadn’t told Dale that my father didn’t want me going to Sunday Service anymore, would he have left us alone?

“That’s you… right?” Sebastian prodded.

I nodded once, still taking in the features of my long-lost loved ones. What I wouldn’t give for just one more night with them.

“You used to be rather handsome... granted, you were a teenager. What happened?”

His backhanded compliment wasn’t worth acknowledging.

“You can keep the photo, by the way… just don’t let Mason see it.”

A shaky breath left me as I softly folded the paper and slipped it into my pocket. Part of me wanted to ask why Mason couldn’t see it, but I had a feeling I knew the answer. If word got out that Mason was growing my baby, an invisible target would appear on her back. Even though this photo was taken well before the Sons of Christ had fully taken shape, it was best to keep as much distance between her and them as possible.

So many of my partners died just because Dale wanted me to make the perfect son with the perfect woman as an heir to his legacy. If it weren’t for me, those women would still be alive. I couldn’t let Mason fall victim to the same fate.

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