Page 51 of Please Hate Me

“Soph says your mom killed herself, and the next day, you were gone. Lucian says something similar, just with more detail.”

Suddenly, all the thoughts I didn’t want to have came crashing in.

I was the one who found my mom with a bullet hole in her head. Even thinking about it now made my stomach flip. After all these years, I could still hear Lucian’s heavy steps as he approached her bedroom.One at a time,thunk, thunk, thunk,bringing him closer to a sight that would destroy him. If I had just moved my stupid body or even just called out to him to stop, he wouldn’t have had to share in my trauma.

But no. He saw everything. And somehow, that made it even more real.

After the police showed up and talked to both of us, I was so numb that all I could do was shake. Lucian wasn’t in any shape to drive, so we just walked to his dad’s.

“They’re right,” I whispered. “They deserved better, and I made sure they got it.”

I picked at a callus on my thumb as I remembered the list of my sins Lucian’s father read to me that day. Lucian left me to wait in his bedroom while he went to take a shower. He promised he’d be right back, that he just needed a minute to think. As soon as Lucian was out of sight, Lincoln Castillo came to confront me.

His voice played in my head like a damaged record, skipping and repeating as it saw fit:

“Look at all the pain you’ve caused my son.”

“No nineteen-year-old should ever be put through what you’ve done to him.”

“Just let him be alone with hisrealgirlfriend.”

“Everyone’s lives would be better if you left.”

That wasn’t the whole list, of course, just the parts that kept me awake at night. He capped off his speech by offering to pay for my plane ticket back to Lyon if I left immediately. And, as a seventeen-year-old who was just as damaged as his nineteen-year-old, I accepted it. No goodbyes, just a sudden departure in an attempt to undo the damage I had caused. Despite everything, no part of me wanted to leave.

I just didn’t have a choice.

My eyes burned with the threat of tears, and I fought a disgusting whimper.

“Hey, you alright?” Cameron’s eyes were wide, filled with wholehearted concern that made me feel dirty. The idea of someone genuinely caring for me was overwhelming and stressful, and I needed something to get my mind off it. I needed to do the one thing I knew I was good at.

So, I cleared my throat and met his gaze.

“This is going to sound crazy.” I warned.

His forehead wrinkled. “Crazier than everything else going on?”

“Maybe.” A forced laugh escaped my lips, and I did my best to turn it into a giggle. “My hormones have been making me a bit, well…”

“Horny?”

Hearing a pastor say that felt wrong, but being with me would never be right.

“Your jacket smelled really good, and you’re handsome.”

That wasn’t a lie. Cameron was an attractive man, just not in the way I typically sought out. He was big, masculine, and rugged. Normally, I liked pretty boys and women exclusively. If Cameron and I hadn’t met in the right place at the right time, I probably wouldn’t have given him a second glance.

But that wasn’t to say that I regretted sleeping with him. He rubbed the square of his jaw, scratching at his copper stubble. With his hand in the way, I couldn’t tell if he was smiling. Was I scaring him off?

“I appreciate the compliment. Do you uh... want me to get Lucian for ya?”

My upper lip raised into a grimace.

“Why would I wanthim?”

That came out more judgmental than it was intended to. It wasn’t that I didn’twantto fuck Lucian. He was excellent in bed, as I remembered. But he clearly didn’t want anything to do with me, and also, he wasn’t the one in the truck with me.

“You’re, uh—you’re a bit too young for me, darlin’.”

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