Page 94 of Please Hate Me

Moonlit pines and frigid winds accompanied our drive home. Sophia and I were outwaylonger than I thought we’d be. For some fucked up reason, I was proud that I’d kept her with me, away from work all day. I know it was unforgivably selfish, but... it made me feel like she actually cared about me.

Eventually, the trees gave way to the farmhouse, and I was ecstatic to see Sebastian’s SUV when we pulled in. He was back sooner than I thought he’d be, and I couldn’t wait to tell him about my day. He’d be so happy to hear that I was listening to him.

When Sophia parked, I practically rushed to the front door, hoping to see him downstairs. Instead, I saw Cameron rooting through a take-out bag. My heart fell just a little.

A gust of wind blew in through the open door, and Cameron looked up at me.

I hadn’t meant to kiss him earlier; I just got caught up in the moment. Now I felt guilty. As his eyes pinned on mine and a smile tugged at his lips, I wondered if I should apologize. I likedCameron, and I had a feeling I’d fuck this up like I always did. He wasn’t meant to love me, even if I wanted it.

I was fine in public. I ate the pretzels and felt confident for the first time in years. But returning home felt like I was returning to real life. Even if I was the social butterfly I pretended to be, I could never fly high enough to escape my insecurities. They were part of me, laced into my impenetrable exoskeleton. Without them, I didn’t feel safe, especially with someone that left me as defenseless as Cameron.

“Hey, I got dinner… are ya hungry?”

My stomach rumbled, and Lavender kicked.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” A deep, rumbling chuckle accompanied his words, one that reverberated through my chest.

“Do you like sushi? Vegetarian, of course.”

A strange smile threatened to sprout on my lips, and it took every ounce of self-control to deny it.

“It’s my favorite,” I said, acting completely unfazed by his kindness.

A neutral expression washed over his face before he forced a smile, and I wondered if I had given him the wrong answer. He cleared his throat, his voice taking on a serious tone that sounded out-of-place for Cameron.

“I got a bunch of different things because I wasn’t sure what you liked, so—”

“Mason James Albright!” Sophia called. “You didnotleave me to carry in your bags!”

My face went hot. I was so busy wondering if she loved me that I had forgotten how much of a burden I could be.

“Here, you go sit.” Cameron coached, his hands resting on my shoulders long enough to warm my skin. “I’ll help her carry the stuff in.”

“I can do it,” I whispered.

“I know that, but I want you to rest.” He drew nearer, pressing his nose to mine.

My pulse turned erratic. Was he going to kiss me again? Our lips were so close I could feel his breath, and my heart wanted nothing more than to close the gap.

However, my mind wasn’t as kind. Cameron had been abused. He deserved to be with someone who could love him properly; I was too damaged to give him what he needed.

“Mason!” Sophia called again.

“I’m comin’!” Cameron yelled back.

“...You’re not Mason.”

He rolled his eyes and pulled away. “I’m gonna go shut her up. You go sit.”

I nodded, but the second the front door closed, I darted up the steps like a monster was chasing after me. By the time I reached the apartment and opened the door, I was shaking. I made sure to shut and lock it behind me before I pressed my back to it and slid down. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t doanythingright, could I? What the actualfuckwas wrong with me?

My phone buzzed, and I yanked it out of my pocket before throwing the damn thing as hard as I could. I didn’t need to hear about how I disappointed everyone; that’s what Ialwaysdid.

As the phone crashed against the wall, Sebastian’s voice echoed through the apartment:

“Mason?”

Tears burned my cheeks as I drew my knees to my chest.

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