Page 130 of Until Then

His mouth tips up in a grin, his eyes crinkling. “Done.”

35

DERRICK

The funeral home is packed,but that’s not surprising in a small town like Parkerville.

It’s a strange feeling, wanting to be here to honor my friend while simultaneously wishing I was anywhere else.

Izzy and I take our seats, followed by Reid, Via, Layla, and Lili.

Maura asked me days ago if I would speak. I wanted to say no, but I won’t let her down. She’s been through so much.

Izzy settles a hand on my thigh, providing some much-needed comfort.

I saw my regular doctor yesterday, and we discussed my panic attack. He said if it becomes an ongoing issue, we’ll talk about anxiety medication. It feels good to have options, but I’d be thrilled if it never happened again. It was terrifying, the fear that I might be dying.

When it’s time for me to speak, I stand on shaky legs and make my way to the microphone.

I clear my throat, desperately wishing I had thought to bring water with me.

“Hello, everyone. If we haven’t met, I’m Derrick. Brooks and I go way back.” I clear my throat again. This is much harder than I thought it would be. Already, I sound like a rambling idiot. “When I tell you that Brooks has always been the best kind of person, I mean it. Not everyone is as kind or as thoughtful as he is.” I flinch.Was. Hewaskind and thoughtful. “I’m not very good at this,” I admit, tapping my fingers against the podium. “I guess I should’ve written down what I wanted to say, but I wanted to speak from the heart, so here we are.”

I search for Izzy in the sea of people. I can make it through this if I focus on her.

“Brooks was always there for me, no matter what I needed. We could all learn a lesson in kindness and care from him. He went above and beyond for everyone he knew, because that’s the kind of man he was. The love he had for his wife and kids was immeasurable.” I swallow and lick my dry lips. “I’ll never be able to repay him for all the things he did for me, but I hope he knows how much I appreciate it. To Maura, Amanda, and Jackson, know this: he may be gone, but his love will never leave you. It’s all around you and always will be.”

I stop there. If I don’t, I’m bound to say something stupid, though if I did, I have no doubt that Brooks would be laughing his ass off, wherever he is.

With a nod to the gathered crowd, I return to my seat by Izzy, and shortly thereafter, the funeral wraps up and the immediate family heads to the burial site.

“You did good,” Izzy says, descending the steps with a hand on my arm.

My gut clenches. “It was terrible.”

She shakes her head. “I promise you it wasn’t. You doubt yourself too much.”

We were invited to go to the community center for food and dessert after the funeral, but I don’t have it in me to spend more time surrounded by so many people. I feel guilty about skipping out, but Maura and the kids will have their family to support them, and if I’ve learned one thing this week, it’s that I have to take care of myself. I don’t need to have another panic attack so soon after the first.

Izzy and I say our goodbyes to Reid, Via, Layla, and Lilibet, and the moment we pull out of the parking lot and head toward home, my shoulders feel lighter.

“I was thinking”—Izzy lets her hair down and shakes her head gently—“would you mind filming with me? If you’re up for it, I would like to introduce you to my followers.”

As I process her question, I expect to feel a wave of anxiety. Since I stumbled into that kitchen and saw Brooks lying on the floor, every request, every new experience, has been fraught with anxiety, like the walls are closing in. But, strangely, I almost feel giddy. Because this gorgeous woman wants me to be a part of her online presence.

“I’ll film with you.”

Her beaming smile makes me even more certain that agreeing was the right thing for me.

At home, we change into casual clothes, then settle on the couch in front of her camera and annoying bright circle-shaped lights.

“Are these necessary?” I ask, shielding my eyes.

“Yes. Don’t block your face.” She fiddles with her camerasettings for a moment, then sits down beside me, holding Wonton. Her body, like usual, practically melts into mine.

“Hello, everyone,” she begins with a wave. “It’s been a while since the last time I sat down to film a chit-chat video with you. As you can see, I have a special guest.”

She turns and gives me a wink.

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