Page 70 of Shades of You

His words were soothing, but I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to be soothed. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. Not when I can’t forgive myself.”

Without thinking, I did something I hadn’t done in years. Until Brenna. I straightened and lifted my shirt up, exposing all the scars. The bullet holes. Evan’s eyes flew open even wider.

“I spent years chasing… I don’t know what. Oblivion? I didn’t care whether I lived or died. Every time I completed a mission, I hoped it would be enough. Enough to somehow make up for what I’d done. But it didn’t. Most of the time, it just brought more failure.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth a few times, then cleared his throat as he wrenched his eyes to meet mine. “I lived at the bottom of a deep, black pit of self-pity for a long time, Hunter. Seeing you again at the wedding provided the catalyst to see how lost I was. Liv was the one who extended a hand to help me out of that hole. None of us really knew what you did while you were in the Marines. But I’m finally able to see I’m not the only one who’s… suffered. This past year has made it clear that I need to come to terms with that day on theBenson. And with you.”

He turned the trophy around in his hands, then stared into the distance. “And I need to take responsibility for my own part in this. I let myself drown in fury, hatred, and despair for way too long. But after the first few years, I settled into this weird kind of stasis. I made a new life and as long as no one mentioned you, I did okay. All those years,and you never tried to come home. For Christmas, birthdays…”

“I wasn’t around for most holidays,” I said as he returned his attention to me, and our gazes held. “I spent most of my time overseas on deployments. But I understand what you meant about getting along fine as long as you weren’t reminded of… what we’d lost. I pretty much did the same thing. Until Gabe called and asked me to come to his wedding.”

Evan barked a laugh. “Yeah. There was no more hiding after that, huh? God, I almost blew it with Liv that night. But in retrospect, it made me understand that it was high time to face the demons and finally try to vanquish them.”

The breeze toyed with the edges of my hair as Evan struggled with the weight of the moment. His fingers traced the gleaming surface of the trophy, studying it carefully—the symbol of triumph that had been obliterated by our shared tragedy.

“I forgive you,” he said finally. His voice was low, but it carried the strength of a tempest. “We both need for me to do that. Being around you again has made me realize how close we used to be, and I miss that. Forgiveness is the first step, right? And now I hope you can forgive yourself.”

Something inside me shifted at those words, like a lock clicking into place after years of being jammed. Relief flooded my veins to mingle with an ache that had burrowed deep in my bones. “Evan…” My voice was rough, emotion thickening each syllable. “That’s more than I ever thought I’d get.”

“Life’s too short to hold onto anger, Hunter.” He studied the trophy again before raising his eyes to mine. “Thanks for the trophy and for what you were trying to saywith it. We’ve both been living in the shadow of that day for too long.”

“Thank you.” My words were simple, but they held the weight of years of guilt and regret, now finally starting to lose their grip. I wanted to reach out, to bridge the physical space between us. But I stayed put, respecting the process that forgiveness required. Evan was the older brother and the one who had suffered most of the consequences of that day. I would wait for him to cross that final divide.

“You’re welcome. Forgive and forget. Isn’t that the old saying? Yeah, I’m ready to forgive you. But I don’t know how to forget about it.”

“I don’t know that either of us can,” I said with a shrug. “But we’ve made a start, haven’t we?”

“We have, and I feel better having gotten all that shit out. Let’s just take it one step at a time, okay?” Evan offered a tentative smile, and I mirrored it back at him.

“Of course.”

As we sat there on the cool grass, the past no longer felt like an anchor dragging us down to dark depths. For the first time in fourteen years, I glimpsed the surface and saw the possibility of breaking through to breathe freely once again. I plucked a blade of grass, twirling it between my fingers as I tried to shake off the weight of our conversation.

Evan stared at me, evaluating, and pointed the trophy at me. “Is this why you were so preoccupied while we practiced?”

“Partly.” The fact was, I needed to talk to someone. And Evan had just reached out in a way I never thought I’d live to see. “Brenna and I got into it a few days ago. It might be time to add something else to the list of my screwups.”

Evan’s brow smoothed as a faint smile came over his face. He set the trophy down in the grass. “Screwing upwith women is something I can definitely relate to. What happened?”

As I recounted Knox showing up, then our strained, tense words afterward, I realized something that had been gnawing at me. Something I hadn’t acknowledged yet. “I was upset that she felt the same way as her siblings—the resentment toward us. She doesn’t resent me personally, but us as a family? That came through loud and clear.”

Evan sat up, brushing off his hands. His expression was serious, but his eyes held a glimmer of empathy. “You two don’t have an easy road ahead.”

“Understatement of the century,” I muttered, my gaze drifting toward the Big House.

“Look.” Evan’s tone was earnest as he leaned closer. “Our families have been butting heads since before the Titanic sank. One high-stakes poker game spiraled into well over a century of bitterness. And their own holdings have been steadily chipped away until only Siesta Sunset is left.” He paused, searching my face. “If I were in their shoes, I’d probably feel the same.”

“I don’t know what to do. What to say. Am I supposed to apologize for being a Markham or something?”

Evan grinned. “Never apologize for that. I watched Brenna carefully when we went for that sail. I liked her, and she might be right. Maybe it’s finally time to move beyond this ill will.” He cocked his head. “You’ve got the guts to challenge the status quo. And I think she does too. Relationships have been built on less than that.” He grinned like he’d just said a private joke.

“I’ll call her and see if I can string together a coherent thought,” I said glumly.

Evan burst out laughing. “You’re the poet of the family, so that shouldn’t be too hard, right?”

I shot him a rueful look. “Turns out words aren’t as easy to find when they’re not written on the page in front of you. But I’ll give it a shot.”

As I flicked a speck of dirt from my catcher’s mitt, the leather felt well-worn and familiar against my palm. I took a deep breath, clearly seeing the parallels between the man sitting beside me and the woman who now lived in every corner of my heart.

---