Page 118 of Riot

When I get to the passenger side, he’s already out of the truck, and opening my door.

I turn to him. “Let’s go.”

“You’ve been crying.”

I shake my head as he pulls me into his arms. “Not here. Please, let’s just go.”

He cups my face, his eyes serious. “Whatever happens, we’ll tackle this together, got me?”

I nod. “I love you, I’m so sorr—” He cuts me off with a kiss.

Nothing else matters as long as I have him by my side. As long as we tackle whatever they throw at us head on.

He turned down a million dollars for me, and I heard his heartfelt words. Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before.

No matter what my mom and Antoine say, it doesn’t matter. And maybe it never did.

23

RIOT

I lay awakeunable to find sleep. I hug my otter to my chest, trying to breathe. He’s not switched on, but just having him close — and that Halo got him for me — is a comfort in itself. I’ve been sleeping well with Halo the few nights we’ve been together, and that’s a relief. The last thing I ever want is for her to wake up with me thrashing around.

Today was shit. I mean, it was good in parts when Halo told me about the conversation with her dad — it was more than I ever expected. I’m happy that at least someone in her family came to their senses. As for her mom? There’s probably no hope for her. Women like her are set in their ways and their beliefs. As much as I’d like for Halo to indulge in the idea that her mom could come around about us, or just treating Halo like a decent human being — or better still,a daughter—remains to be seen.

As for her brother, I didn’t get the chance to tell him what I think of him. Clearly, he takes after his mother. Upsetting Halo isn’t on the top of my priority list, nor should it be his. In all honesty, I don't know what to do in this situation, but letting things lie low for a while is probably best.

If her mom and brother want to be assholes, so be it. She can choose to disengage with them just like she has been doing. I wanted to give her mom the benefit of the doubt at first, but now I can see this is all about control and how other people see their family. It’s not about Halo or what’s best for her.

A million fuckin’ dollars?

It’s a nice sum of money, but you can’t buy what I have. I turn on my side to face Halo, Cookie asleep by our feet on the bed and my heart pounds in my chest so loud, I’m scared it’ll wake them up. This is what I’ve always wanted; a family of my own.

My hands start to shake. My throat thickens. I feel the panic attack coming on. I don’t want to lose them. I can’t lose them. I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to comprehend what life would be like without Halo in my arms. Without Cookie there to greet us and my heart constricts a little tighter. So this is what it feels like to love. Really love. Not just the love that I have for my sister, or for Charles; that’s different. This is me making choices to benefit someone other than myself. This is me giving my girl anything she wants because that’s the type of man she deserves. I want to give her the world, and I’ll die trying. But losing her? I turn, hugging otter a little tighter to my chest. If I don’t do something, this panic attack will take over and then I’ll wake Halo up. I squeeze his stomach to turn him on, and just like magic, he starts to breathe. I hold him to my chest, trying not to do what I always do when I’m like this; picture my mom. What would she be like now? All these years later. Would she still hold me in her arms like I was her little boy? Tell me how proud of me she was, how much she loves me. That I’m her soldier.So much lost time. Time I can’t ever get back.

I try not to think about if I ever told her I loved her.Did I?I’m sure I did, but the memories are fading.

I hold Otter close to my chest and breathe my way through it. It may not work. Most times I just close my eyes and hang on — then again, I’m usually asleep when the hold takes over.

I think about all the good things in my life and where I am now. How far I’ve come.

My club.

My girl.

My dog.

My sister and Charles; their continued love and support. Charles doesn’t say much, but his actions say everything. He’s been a father to me like I never would’ve known.

My sled.

My home.

Okay, shitty things happened to us, but my mom’s spirit will live on. I swallow hard, rubbing the spot where I have my mom’s name inked across my chest. I miss her, but she’d never want me to feel like this. She would only ever want what’s best for me and to be happy. Her love was unconditional.

Slowly, my breathing calms and I push past the anxiety attack. I close my eyes and breathe with my Otter, loving the idea that my girl thought about me and did this for me. The way her face dropped when the damn thing fell out of her purse. How she thought it was a dumb idea or I’d laugh. I’d never laugh at her. She’s a queen.My queen.And it’s that thought that sends me off into the deepest slumber of my life.

I wake with a start to hear Cookie barking and growling. He’s by the bedroom window, pawing at the wall.

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