Page 20 of Born into Chaos

He leads me over to the couch and grabs the remote before tossing me my favorite super comfy blanket. Sitting down next to me, he says, “I’m not so sure that’s true anymore.”

I get comfortable and say, “It’ll always be true.”

He looks over at me, giving me the same soft smile I’ve seen a million times. “You want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

He gives a soft laugh and goes back to hunting down our first movie. When he stops onPretty in Pink, I nudge his shoulder, letting him know he’s picked well. Molly Ringwald makes everything better.

Val doesn’t force me to talk, but when the movie starts, he says, “Sis, you and I have one hell of a knack for falling for people we shouldn’t.”

I lean my head against his shoulder, knowing he’s talking about Yelena. My brother has been in love with our cousin for as long as I can remember. She isn’t a blood relative, but they’re still worried about what it will do to the family if they come out with how they feel.

“At least your person loves you back,” I tell him. “Mine can barely tolerate my presence.”

He gives a soft laugh. “I’m pretty sure that’s not at all how he feels. He would’ve never taken the position if he hated you. It would’ve been a conflict of interest. Would you risk your life for someone you despised?”

“He feels like he owes me for what I did. That’s all it is, Val.”

“We’ll see,” he tells me in that calm way of his. Even though we shared a womb, he ended up with all the easygoing genes. I got mydad’s smartass mouth and my mom’s artistic talent. I used to think there was no way my brother would ever want to step into the role as a Bratva boss, but he’s surprised me. He may be calm and more on the quiet side, but he’s taken to Bratva life with surprising ease. I keep begging him to bend the rules and let me join him one night, but he’s made it clear that’s never going to fucking happen.

Once the food gets here and Val runs down to get it, we dig into our feast. I push Vitya from my mind and enjoy a rare day of just my brother and I hanging out like we used to do when we were little. After we finishPretty in Pink, I put it onNational Lampoon’s Christmas Vacationand laugh so hard I nearly pee my pants. It’s exactly what I needed, and when I hug my brother good night, I squeeze him a little tighter, hoping he understands how much he means to me.

He disappears into his room to text Yelena, and I manage to keep my mind off Vitya for about ten minutes, but my thoughts always drift right back to him until I’m just as miserable as I was when I first walked into our apartment. All Val’s hard work goes right down the fucking drain. The man is always on my mind. I may be able to push him aside every once in a while, but he’s always there, taking up space and overpowering everything else.

I’m not so sure I’ll ever be free of him, and that thought is both a comfort and a torture.

I’m not much of a drinker, but a sudden desire hits me, and once it does, it won’t let go. There’s enough vodka around here for me to take some and my parents will be none the wiser. Not wanting to upset Val or make him feel like he needs to babysit me, I grab a bottle and escape into my bedroom.

The first drink goes down painfully, the second is a little better, and the third is just plain smooth. A soft laugh escapes as everything starts to grow wonderfully fuzzy. My body relaxes, the tension leaves my shoulders, and instead of stressing about Vitya, I keep drinking, wondering why in the hell I never just asked him what he thought about me. I mean, two years of sexual tension when I could’ve just asked the guy if he wanted to be with me. It’s all so obvious now, and Ireach for my phone with newfound courage that if I were sober, I’d be questioning. In my intoxicated state, though, it makes perfect sense. I fumble around until I have our texts pulled up, and then I get to work.

Me:

Do u want me?

Vitya:

WTF? Are you leaving? Do you need me to come get you?

Me:

LOL.

Vitya:

Are you okay? What’s going on?

Me:

Truth time, Vit. Do u want me? Cuz I want u.

Vitya:

Have you been drinking?

Me:

LOL. Maybe…

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