Page 65 of Empire of Flame and Thorns

The more garments I take off, the more cuts and bruises I discover.

It’s not as bad as my injuries after the first trial, but I still can’t deny that the competition is becoming more and more intense.

Uncertainty swirls inside my soul as I study myself in the mirror.

Deep down, I know that I don’t have the right kind of magic to win these trials. Elemental magic, or at least some kind ofphysical magic, will always be better suited for things like this. And there are so many strong people competing against me.

Staggering backwards, I slide down to the floor by the bed, resting my back against the wooden bedframe. It’s cool against my flushed skin, and sooths some of the bruises. I draw my knees up and brace my forearms on them as I stare at myself in the mirror. My exhausted face stares back at me.

Maybe Isera was right about more than one thing back in that maze today. I could have used my magic to make everyone else too claustrophobic to get through the tunnel. In fact, I can do lots of things like that. Maybe it’s time to take her advice and start playing more offense. To start actually trying to make other people lose, so that I will have a better shot at winning.

Nausea twists my stomach at the thought.

I can’t do something like that. I can’t be that cruel. That selfish. We all just want to be able to leave this shitty life behind and start fresh somewhere else. And who am I to take that away from them?

Besides, what would people say about me if I win like that? They would gossip about how I only won because I crippled everyone else. That I didn’t deserve it. That they were always right about me. That I can’t be trusted.

A small voice inside me whispers a sentence that I barely dare to hear.

Does it matter?

Does it matter if people gossip and talk and curse my name? Does it matter that they hate me? I will have won the Atonement Trials and will be given permission to leave the Seelie Court. I can travel anywhere. I can make a real difference for the fae resistance. So what does it matter if people I barely know despise me?

Cursing under my breath, I drop my head and rest my forehead on my arms while I heave a deep sigh.

Why must I care so much about what other people think of me?

I want to win. Desperately. But I also want people to like me. And that has held me back in these trials.

The magic I’ve used on people up until now hasn’t even scratched the surface of what I can really do. But if I use my powers in full, I know that people will hate me for it. And that makes me want to throw up.

I want to be accepted. It’s half of the reason why I signed up for this bloody competition in the first place. But I also want to win.

It’s a circular problem that I can’t solve without sacrificing something.

I want to win so that I will be accepted. But to win, I need to do things that will make people hate me. So if I win, people will accept me. But they will also hate me.

Another groan escapes my chest and I thump my head against my forearms.

I don’t know what to do.

All I know is that I need to make a decision.

Fast.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Ijerk awake as a loud bang echoes through my room. Sitting bolt upright, I throw myself out of bed and twist the faelights to turn them on right as another crash sounds.

Light floods my room.

For one single second, I can’t understand what it is that I’m looking at.

There is a giant hole in the middle of my wooden door. As if someone has punched through it. Or kicked through it.

Then a boot crashes through the door, and reality slams back into me.

Wooden splinters fly through the air as the entire middle part of the door shatters.

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