Page 5 of Sexy Bad Valentine

“See that it doesn’t,” she orders me. “Now why don’t you tell me why it takes you five minutes to zero in on a floosy when you’re in need of companionship, but it’s taking you weeks to decide on one loveless and dateless woman for our ad series?”

“It’s been a week since we shut down applications,” I retort. “Just one. And in that time, I’ve had to go through thousands of applications. I’ve already started interviews.”

“Thousands?”

“At least you know your marketing’s working.” I ignore the dog and walk into the kitchen, going straight to the fridge for a beer.

“Yes, but it would be working much better if you could just pick us a woman.”

Head in the fridge, the little light shines in my eyes like the dim illumination of a half-baked idea. I still need to organize another interview with Evie. Perhaps over dinner. We could come back to my place for a trial run. “Did you just tell me to pick up a woman?”

“Us. I said us, Max,” Deanna snaps. “And you better not sleep with any of the applicants, especially the one you pick to be in the show. I won’t have you ruining this for us.”

“Chill, Dee.” I crack the lid from my beer and go to check on the dog. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Barclay is crowding my potted palm, his leg cocked. A thin stream of piss splashes against the ornate hammered copper pot and pools in a bright yellow stain on my white carpet. He swivels his head to the sound of my voice. I swear he wears the biggest, stupidest grin.

“When do you get back?”

“In a couple weeks,” she says. “Why?”

“Because your dog is pissing on my potted plant. He might not have weeks left in him.”

***

“Your potted plant is dead,” I tell Deanna. Rubbing my fingers over the brittle leaves of her favorite fern, I channel all the enjoyment out of it I can. “Karma’s a whore in pink spandex leggings, Dee. This is payback for your dog destroying my apartment.”

“You were supposed to check in and make sure it was watered,” she moans. “I knew I couldn’t trust that new gardener.”

“Your yard looks fine though. The three inches of snow on it really helps.” I stick my fingers between the curtains and pull the heavy drape back so that I can peer into the front yard. “There’s a duck.”

“A duck? Why does that not surprise me?”

“Really? Does nothing surprise you?” An eyebrow flies up in wonder as a young girl in a purple snowsuit tramples through the snow, chasing after the white duck. She has pin straight dark hair sticking out from the edges of her woollen hat. A Siamese cat slinks behind them with its tail in the air.

“You don’t understand. That’s not the oddest pet on that street. There’s also a—”

“Goat.” I watch the four legged animal skip and slide on a patch of ice.

“How did you know?” Deanna asks.

“I have to go.” The girl is the same child from the park. The woman bringing up the rear in this parade is a stunning blonde in a gray beanie.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I tell her as I march through the house and pick up Barclay’s leash. “I’m heading out the door. That’s all. Is it okay if I stay at your house until you get home?”

“No. Knowing you, you’ll sleep with one of my neighbors, and I’ll be forced to move.”

“It’s for Barclay’s sake. He hates being cooped up in my apartment. Come on, be a responsible pet owner.”

“Fine,” she gives in huffily. “Just try not to seduce my neighbors. They’re all practically married.”

“You have nothing to worry about, Dee. Seriously. I’ll be too busy with Puppy Love.” I whistle for Barclay, clapping a fist around his collar the moment he bangs into my legs so that I can attach his leash. “But right now, I’m late for an interview.”

I hang up on her before she can say anything else and grab my coat and hat and gloves before racing after a duck, a kid with a cat, a goat, and the hottest woman I’ve ever had to chase.

I don’t catch up to them straight away. The sidewalk is slippery and Barclay pulls and strains against his leash, the duck in his sights. Keeping my balance while I study the back of the woman in front of me is surprisingly difficult. Evie. Dateless and desperate and in need of a good dick. She’s practically perfect for the show.

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