Page 47 of Keeping Mr. Sweet

***

I don’t know how long I’ve been out. I was semi-aware when they stretchered me into the back of the ambulance. Ash was still holding my hand at that point, wasn’t she? Tears were trembling on her lashes, but she put on a brave face for me. The paramedics hooked me up to a drip of some sort. It’s still attached to me now with a little bit of sticking plaster. And someone was telling us how long it would take to arrive at the hospital. Longest minutes of my life.

“You’re awake,” Ash says from beside me. She gets up and comes closer so that I can see her face. She smiles as she strokes the side of my hand though it’s clear she’s been crying. “I don’t know what I would have done.”

I frown at her. My memory is cloudy at best. Perhaps from whatever they’re pumping through the drip. But I still remember searching for her. Finding her at Mayhem. That guy she was with. These things stick out like 3D images. My heart still hurts in a way that isn’t just physical. “Thought you wouldn’t be here.”

“I couldn’t leave you,” she says, as though it’s the most logical thing in the world, and God, do I want to believe in her. But I just can’t anymore. “I wouldn’t leave you, Sam.”

“You don’t need to be here because I had a…” The cardiac monitor attached to my bare chest beeps erratically. “It was a heart attack, wasn’t it?”

“They’re doing some tests,” she whispers. “We don’t know anything yet.”

“You don’t need to stay for those,” I croak. “You don’t need to be here.”

“I’m not leaving you.” She walks around the bed to pour a glass of water from the jug. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No.” I’m exhausted. I sink into the pillows. “You did that thing you do, didn’t you? You took off.”

“It’s more complicated than that.” The glass thuds on the tray.

“Is it?”

“I wasn’t leaving you.” She comes closer. “I wasn’t running.”

My chest is unbearably tight, and I don’t know if that’s because of my heart or her. The beeping speeds up. Does it have to be so loud? “I told you we were done, didn’t I? Before…”

“You didn’t mean it,” she says, her hands touching my chest as she neatens the cover over me. “You don’t mean it. But you need to rest now. We can talk about this later.”

“I meant it.” I glance at the window. Can’t look at her right now. Can’t be drawn in by her again. “You went too far, Ash. You went all the way to another man. You told me you were with me and you threw it away, just like that.”

“That’s not what happened at all,” she whispers. “I need to explain.”

The door opens and someone bustles into the room. A woman with a gentle voice. She approaches the bed and starts checking the leads attached to me. “How are we doing in here?”

“Is he going to be okay?” Ash asks, a tremor in her voice.

“He’s improving,” the nurse replies. “But he needs to rest. If you’re going to stay you’ll need to be quiet.”

“She should leave,” I tell them.

“I’m not leaving you,” Ash says.

The nurse finishes what she’s doing and goes to speak with Ash near the door. “He’s going to be just fine, but he does need to rest. It would probably be best for both of you if you went home and had a rest yourself. Also you could pack him a bag. We’re going to keep him for a few days, so he’ll need toiletries and essentials.”

“Okay,” Ash says. “But only to pack him a bag. Then I’m coming back. I have to be here.”

“You don’t,” I say. And I don’t want her to. Giving up on her is like letting a piece of me die. Her presence only makes it worse. “Is Summer here?”

“Just outside,” Ash says.

“Can you tell her to come in on your way out?”

“I’ll tell her.” The door opens, and one set of footsteps leave before Ash speaks again, “But I am coming back, Sam. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t,” I say. “Don’t do that. Don’t stick around. I don’t want to see you anymore. I don’t want to pick up your pieces anymore.”

“Yell at me later, Sam. Tell me to leave when you have your strength back. Until then I’m not going anywhere.”

As she walks out Summer slams into the room. “You scared the shit out of us. Do you know that? You can’t just go and have a heart attack like that. Not after dad…” She starts sobbing as she throws herself at me as gently as she can manage. “And poor Ash had to see it firsthand. How could you do that to her?”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily,” I say into her hair. But Ash is. She’s gone already. And even though she said she isn’t leaving, only a fool would believe that. I may never see her again. How is my heart supposed to recover from that? “I’m not going anywhere, Sum.”

“You better not,” she whispers back.

---