Page 27 of The Heartbreak List

“I don’t know how you do it,” he says as somewhere behind him a vacuum is switched on and its hum replaces the sounds of people leaving for the day. “You never stop.”

Lately, that’s all I want to do. I’ve been working my ass off at the office to get as much done as I can, so that I can be home with Indy more often over these next few months. I was planning to take a month off around the wedding anyway. To spend some time with my beautiful new wife on the beaches of Tahiti. A surprise honeymoon I organized right before she got the diagnosis.

“I’m planning to.” With all the energy that chemo and radiation are sucking out of Indy I can only focus on taking care of her. Which is why landing Bryce Manilow doesn’t fill me with the excitement a rising star like him usually would.

I slide the folder with the contracts I need him to sign into my briefcase. A cognac colored top loader Indy bought me for my birthday a couple years ago. I add a couple more files that I’ll work on during the flight.

Leaving her for a few days so I can fly out to Baltimore and get the contracts signed sits heavily on my chest.

The vacuum cuts off and the lights in the office across from mine flicker off, and I wait for Samson to say whatever really drew him to my office. When he doesn’t, it’s obvious. I already know what he’ll say, but I ask anyway, “Did you need something?”

“I wanted to congratulate you.” He glances around until his gaze lands on the framed photo on my desk. His mouth droops even further in the corners and his brown eyes grow sympathetic.

Everyone who meets Indy loves her. My colleagues, my bosses, my friends.

“I’m sorry about Indy. I heard she was sick, and I…” He rubs at his throat. “I wanted to tell you that I can help with your clients if you need time off… or whatever. Kitty is organizing a food drive and Campbell is talking about a fundraiser.”

“I have it covered.” I glance at my favorite photo of Indy and me. The one from the trip we took to Fiji last summer to celebrate our five year dating anniversary. I’d surprised her with a week in an over-the-water bungalow, filled with sun and sea and alone time together.

Samson scrunches up his face and then launches into what he really thinks. “Yeah, but with Indy not working…even with insurance, the bills—”

“I can afford them.” Between Indy and I we’ve socked away a decent sized nest egg. I’ve made prudent investments. We’re in a much better position than most people our age.

“We all want to help. Indy is a sweetheart.”

“Yeah. I get that.” My shoulders drop as I give in to the good nature of the people I work with. Of course they want to help Indy. They want to feel useful. “Tell them I appreciate it.”

He nods. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

I glance at the image of Indy and me again when he leaves. God, we were worry free then. Excited about what would come next.

I’d confessed that I wanted to marry her. She’d admitted she wanted it too. Wanted our life together, always. A family. A couple of Adirondacks around a firepit in the backyard like at her parents’.

I asked her out for the first time while we sat together in one of those wooden recliners, at Indy’s parents’ house. We shared our first kiss there.

We made love for the first time in one of those chairs too. We were joking around after everyone else had gone inside. Snuggled up with a blanket as the fire ebbed. She’d ended up sitting astride my lap somehow. All the oxygen had been sucked out of my chest when she realized I was hard underneath her. She’d been luminous above me and I’d threaded my hand through her hair, drawing her mouth to mine.

I let out a jagged breath as I zip my briefcase.

There’s not much peace in the quiet as the last few stragglers pack up to head home. I used to enjoy when the building emptied out and the only other people here were the cleaning staff. I’d call Indy and we’d talk while I finished up whatever I was working on. About her day at school, and my day at the office. About our plans. Our dreams.

She’s been my guiding light for so long. And I took it for granted that she would always be here. But now… time is finite and against us. And watching her fade away… losing her one minute at a time… is killing me. I don’t know what I’ll do if the treatments don’t work. But I can’t sit still and do nothing. Waiting for our future to be decided one way or another.

I plant my hands on the desk and struggle to breathe. I would take her place in a heartbeat. I don’t have people who love me the way they love her. I have a tight ring of friends that I see a few times a year. I have no siblings. My family hasn’t been close since my parents divorced over a decade ago. Indy’s brother and parents are more family to me than my own.God, don’t take her from us and don’t leave me here without her. I can’t do this everyday shit without her. I won’t even be able to fake it.

A knock has me lifting my head, dragging myself out of the suffocating darkness.

“Hey.” Indy smiles, her cheeks shining and pink like she’s been getting some air.

I swallow the cold, wet lump in my throat and it sticks in my gut. Despite the ache, my heart grows in my chest and curves my mouth. She doesn’t need to know how scared I truly am. “Hey yourself. What are you doing here?”

“I was close by.” She’s cute as ever in a flowy, black and white peasant top that she’s paired with her favorite denim skirt and boots. Her hair is in wild waves under a hat she borrowed from my side of the closet and there’s a black and gray scarf loose around her neck. “I thought you might still be here.”

“I got Manilow.” I free my tie as she walks toward my desk.

“You’ve worked so hard on this one. I’m so happy for you.” Her hazel eyes brighten, and she breaks into a huge smile as I draw her against me.

I let her go and close the door to give us some privacy. She’s getting too thin, too quickly, and I’m reminded of that every time she’s in my arms.

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