Page 30 of The Heartbreak List

“I’m dying, Gray. I am taking that seriously.” She sits back in her chair.

We fall into painful silence. This isn’t us.

The server brings us our meals. Digging a fork into the linguine, she twirls the pasta onto the tines and lifts it to her mouth.

I have to say something when the silence continues. “I don’t think you’re taking it seriously enough, Indy. A bucket list? And mushrooms? And making jokes about dying?”

“I’m coping in my own way.”

“You’re struggling. You need counseling.” Hell, I need counseling. Though I can’t understand how talking will make this better.

She points her fork at me. “At some point you’re going to have to accept that you can’t fix me. Hoping that any of these therapies we’re trying is going to work is like praying for a miracle. They only happen in Hallmark movies.”

“That’s not true. People do the impossible all the time. They survive when it’s improbable. But not if they don’t at least try.” I squeeze her hand. I need her to try. I need her to fight.

“Rarely.” Her voice softens and she squeezes my hand back. She watches the man playing the piano for a long time. Her eyes grow glassy. My girl has the math memorized. It’s hard for her to believe anything else. “I hate that I’ll leave you too. But eventually you’ll be okay. You’ll move on.”

“I won’t.” There’s no way I could ever.

“You will.” Picking up the napkin, she dabs at her eyes. “You’ll meet someone. And you will fall in love. And you will have everything that you’ve wished for.”

“Wewished for.” I can barely breathe through the grit in my throat. My voice cracks. “And you’re talking like it’s a done deal. It isn’t.”

“I’m not saying it is.”

“Then don’t say it at all.”

“I have to.” Tears streak her cheeks, and she swallows wetly. “Because I need you to know that I want that for you. If not with me… I want you to find someone who loves you as much as I do. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.”

“With you.” I push away my plate. I’m no longer hungry. Couldn’t eat a morsel if I tried.

“Or with someone else.”

“No.” I surge to my feet. I’m not going to continue this conversation. I’m not interested in what happens after. Or replacing Indy with some other woman who could never make me as happy as Indy does. The impulse to put my fist through the wall is almost too much.

“We should go.” Indy drops her napkin on the table.

“Yeah.” The other diners are staring at me. My scalp grows sweaty. They probably think I’m an asshole. The least I can do is make myself scarce so they can enjoy the rest of their dinner. “I have to pack for Baltimore anyway.”

“Baltimore?”

“I tried to get out of it.” I rest my hand on the small of her back as I usher her out of the restaurant. “But Manilow will only work with me. Are you still hungry? Should we grab something to go on the way home?”

“I’m actually full.” She pats her belly.

Is that because she’s eating so little her stomach is shrinking or because I screwed up dinner?

“So when do you leave?” she asks in the car. “And how long are you going to be gone?”

“I’m on the red eye tonight, and I’ll be gone for three days.” I rest my hand on her knee. When she doesn’t cover it like she normally would, I get the sense she’s pulling away from me. “But after that I’ll be home a lot more.”

Chapter Ten

Indy

Grayiscalmbythe time we get back to the condo. He unknots his tie, and I kick off my boots before padding barefoot into the living area. My stomach is a hollow pit and, while part of it is the lack of food, it has more to do with the way I ruined dinner.

I have so many things that I need to tell him. That I need to tell the people that I love before it’s too late.

---