Page 31 of The Heartbreak List

We only have a finite amount of time in this world. Mine is shorter than most people’s, but that doesn’t make it any more or less precious. The fact that I can see the end…brings savagely clear perspective.

I have no clue how to make Gray understand that I need to know that he’ll move on. Be happy again.

He comes up behind me and wraps his palms around my upper arms. My back relaxes to fit his chest as he kisses the top of my head. His breath warms my scalp. “I’m sorry I ruined dinner. I overreacted.”

“You didn’t.” There is no correct reaction to losing someone. There is no tried and proven method for getting through grief. We can only do our best to come to terms. Sometimes it will ache more than is bearable. Other times it is tolerable in its own bittersweet way. It’s a never-ending path that I wish I could help prepare him for. But I can’t even reconcile it within myself.

“Are you sure you’re not hungry? I could order something.” He stills, waiting for my response. “You can eat pizza in bed while I pack.”

I’m not really in the mood. For food. Or anything really. It’s been a long day and my head is throbbing. “I think I’m going to take a shower and put on my pajamas.”

I stifle a yawn as I march into the bedroom to grab my fluffy fleece pajama shorts and top. I take them into the bathroom with me, turning on the water while Gray grabs his suitcase from under the bed.

The hot water soothes my soul once I’m under it. And so does the gorgeous artwork on my arm. Meeting Harlan was lovely, and hanging out with Theo is so much fun. It takes my mind off the bad parts of what is happening to me. Gives me something to look forward to.

With Gray it’s harder. All I can think about is that our time is running out. My heart aches with missing him. I’m scared he won’t be okay after…when he isn’t okay now.

“I know you’re disappointed…” He comes into the bathroom and gathers his toiletries. His eyes widen. “What the hell, Indy?”

“What?” My fingers snag in my locks. Thick strands wrap around my knuckles before they’re rinsed down the drain. Oh God, I’m losing my hair. Is it obvious? Do I have bald patches?

“That. On your arm.” His gaze is narrowed in on the kitten in the teacup on my forearm as he strides up to the glass shower door. His jaw works like he’s chewing nails while he opens the door and grabs my wrist, pulling it out from under the water. I wince as his fingertips press into my flesh.

“How could you be so irresponsible? You know that the chemo drugs make you susceptible to bleeds and infections, but you got a tattoo? The doctor said you had to be careful. It was in the pamphlets.”

“But it’s not—"

“You’re not taking this seriously.” A nerve jumps in his cheek. “You’ve given up.”

I yank my arm free of his grip. Gray has never talked to me like this. Never acted so…angry and judgmental. Jumping to conclusions. He’s always been sweet and caring and careful. And he knows me better than this. “I haven’t. It’s not re—”

“I can’t believe you would do something so stupid.” His voice rises, his expression hard.

“It’s not stupid.”

“Well, it isn’t fucking smart, Indy.”

I’m shaking as I shut off the water and grab a towel to wrap around me. My head hurts but that’s not what has me barely seeing straight. He’s never been condescending. Even with him being several years older than me, he’s never talked down to me. “I’m not talking to you about this until you calm down.”

“Fine.” He storms out.

I scrub at my skin with the terry cloth until I’m dry. I’m still seething as I get into my pajamas. The ache in my head has deepened along my jaw and behind my eyes. The pain of everything about my life is almost unbearable. Now Gray thinks I’m giving up?

I march into the bedroom, but he’s already vacated it. Along with his suitcase, which I find by the front door. He paces while watching the news.

“I’m not giving up.” I’m not. It’s just the doctors were clear about their expectations. They’re not confident about any of the treatments we’re trying. At this point it’s all a bid to prolong my time.

Gray’s phone makes a sound. His ride is here. He glances at it.

I wait for him to engulf me like he normally would. Instead we end up staring at each other from across the gap our fight has created.

Eventually his shoulders droop and he pulls me in for a one-armed hug. He kisses my temple then breathes heavily into my hair. “I love you, you know that.”

My hands smooth up his back. I cling to him. “I do. And I—”

He releases me. “We’ll talk when I get back.”

“Okay.” My voice is barely there as he collects his suitcase. “Call me when your flight arrives.”

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