Page 32 of The Heartbreak List

“You’ll be asleep. I’ll text.” He closes the door behind him.

I take some pain meds and turn off the lights before curling up in bed. I squeeze my eyes shut against the ache in my head. Touching the sheets physically hurts while I wait for the pain meds to kick in. It would be easier if we hadn’t found the tumor when we did. If we didn’t have a clue what was coming. I wish everything could be normal again.

Eventually the meds allow me to fall asleep.

My phone beeps with a notification and I grope for it blindly, finding it on the nightstand. The torture in my head is at a level I can deal with. The screen is still hard to read, the text doubles and is fuzzy around the edges. I squint to make out that it’s from Theo and not Gray, who I’m still waiting on to text me that he’s landed.

Theo: Hope you’re having a better night than I am. I just got puked on by a coed.

Me: Oh no.

Theo: It was like a scene out of the exorcist. Anyway, I was thinking about your list, and I think we should try to do an item on it every day.

Me: Every minute is a gift, right?

Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even if the world I love is imploding around me. I want more than hospital visits and fights about not being careful enough. I want to find joy in the misery. Peace in the painful conversations. My soul in the things that I put off for a life that I won’t get to live.

Theo: Exactly. We should make them count. Talk more tomorrow?

Me: Plan on it.

He doesn’t respond for so long that I’m putting my phone back on the nightstand by the time the next message comes through.

Theo: Hey, wish me luck.

Me: What do you need luck for?

Is it because he’s fighting like Harlan suggested? He'd had that bruising on his torso. Is he worried he’ll get hurt? Is that why he wants luck?

He’s silent for a few minutes so I text him again.

Me: Good luck

Nothing more pops onto the screen so I put my phone down and make myself as comfortable as I can without Gray beside me. He’s normally a space heater, but the sheet is crisp and cold under my palm as I try to fall back asleep.

“Try” is of course the word for it. I’m not used to Gray not being here. I miss his hand on my hip as we’re falling asleep. His heavy, relaxed breaths. I miss the way we used to be so easy.

I can’t believe he would think that I wouldn’t take my own safety into consideration. Some things are different but not everything. I still put on sunscreen before I leave the house. I still carry mace in my purse in case I need to ward off an attacker. I’m careful. I haven’t changed so much that he should have reason to doubt me.

My phone beeps with a notification.

It has to be Theo saying thank you for the luck. Possibly even telling me why. I light up the screen to find it’s from Gray, finally safely at his hotel. It should put my mind at ease. I should be able to sleep. But that’s all I get from him.

Me: The tattoo was temporary. It’s not real. It’s like the ones they use on kids. I wasn’t being reckless.

An hour later, I throw the blankets off with a huff. The couple of mouthfuls that I managed for dinner weren’t enough and my stomach is gnawing at me. Gray still hasn’t apologized for overreacting. Or even responded. The message is technically still unread so there’s a chance he’s sleeping. And I have no idea what Theo needed luck for.

I switch on the TV for background noise and consider the contents of the pantry and fridge. We haven’t been grocery shopping because we’re not eating much. And the milk is out of date. This is ridiculous. I want everything to go back to the way it was.

I end up sitting in the bottom of the pantry, cuddling a box of crackers too stale to eat, with tears streaming down my face, while I scroll through social media videos of some comedian who is suddenly everywhere.

If anyone were to see me, they would think I’ve lost the plot.

A message notification pops up on the top of my screen.

Theo: Pretty sure you saved my ass.

What on earth? I have no clue how to respond to that.

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