Page 50 of The Heartbreak List

“I’m fine.” I reach down and cover one of Gray’s hands. It’s bunched into a tight fist at his side. My heart hurts at the raw emotion on his face. My Gray is patient and compassionate. He’s not angry all the time. He doesn’t have a violent bone in his body.

But then I’ve never been the girl who goes out with another man in the middle of the night for pancakes. Or spends the day Jell-O wrestling with him. Or looks forward to the next time I see him with an almost giddy excitement. I’ve never been the girl that Gray is losing day-by-day to an illness that will eventually take me completely.

I can’t believe how ridiculously I’ve been acting. How unthinking…It’s not bad enough that he has to accept that our future is short? I threw him this curveball with Theo. I’m such an idiot.

I didn’t see what was happening between me and Theo until tonight while I watched him beg that man to leave me out of it. While my heart was in my mouth because I was so certain that he wasn’t going to make it out of the situation alive. Even if Theo lied to Nelson about having feelings for me, the truth is…I’ve started feeling things for Theo. Feelings I shouldn’t have.

I grasp Gray’s face and drag his attention to me. I pointedly ignore the man watching on from behind me. “Let’s go inside and talk, okay?”

Theo interjects again. “Indy, are you—”

“Go home, Theo.” I only have enough attention for one man. That’s the way it has to be. The way I want it to be. When Gray wraps his hand around my fingers my heart loosens. I’m done with the bucket list and Theo. I can’t be his penance or redemption or whatever he thinks helping me is doing for him. I can’t be around him when it’s stirring up these unwanted feelings inside me. Now that I know that’s what’s happening… it isn’t fair to Gray. “Please, Gray.”

“Yes, we should talk.” Gray lets me lead him toward the building.

The truck door closes and the engine roars to life. By the time we make it into the lobby Theo is gone.

Gray drops my hand, walking ahead of me into the elevator. He stares at his tacky palm like he wants to throw up. “Is this what I think it is?”

“Yes.” I’ll never see Theo again. I make the decision without batting an eyelid while we take the elevator up. Gray is my world. I’m going to make sure he knows it. I’m going to concentrate on the wedding. Concentrate on trying to stay alive for as long as I can.

“That’s…God…” Gray turns his head and belches into his clean hand as he turns green. “Foul.”

I forgot how Gray reacts to Jell-O. It’s been so long since I’ve had any because of the way it makes him gag.

The elevator stops on our floor and I follow him into our apartment. Gray’s suitcase is still by the door, as though he’s prepared himself that he might not be staying. There’s a six-pack of beer on the coffee table, three of which have been opened. His jacket lies in a crumpled heap where he tossed it on the arm of the couch.

“I’ll go wash up. Shower.” Then we can talk. When I have these thoughts and emotions under control.

“Not until we’ve talked this through.” He’s audibly hurking at this point. “But I need to wash this…hurk…off.”

He races into the kitchen. The water turns on.

I stand in the middle of the living room. Arms hugging myself. Everything is falling apart, and I can’t stand that I hurt Gray. That’s the last thing I want to do.

Eventually he comes back, though he keeps distance between us. He scrubs his hands with a kitchen towel. “What is going on with you, Indy? You’re lying to me. Hanging out with some guy.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I rub my biceps. I’m still sore and sticky. It’s been such a long night. “But I didn’t lie to you either. I didn’t hide what I was doing. I told you about Theo.”

“No. No, you didn’t, Indy.” He paces a small square on the living room rug. “If you’d told me you were hanging out with another man…I wouldn’t forget that.”

“I told you about catching up with him and going to the bakery.” I put my hands palm up in front of me. I didn’t hide anything. At least I didn’t until tonight. I’m not going to tell him about Nelson. Or what Theo told me in the truck. Or that there are emotions… It doesn’t matter now. “I told you that we were hanging out. He’s been helping me with my bucket list.”

Recognition flares in his pale blues. “I thought your friend was one of the girls from college. You never told me your friend was a guy. Never gave me a name.”

“I…” I replay those conversations in my head. Of course I told him about Theo in the same way I talk about all my friends. I’ve never hidden anything from him on purpose, but I can see how he feels like I did. “I’m so sorry.”

For hurting him. For making him feel like I could betray him. For leaving him behind when our time is so short.

“When EJ called and told me about him…” He shakes his head. “I lost my goddamn mind, babe.”

“Didn’t he tell you that Theo is helping me with my bucket list?”

“Yeah.” He scrubs his hand through his hair. “EJ said he took you both to a smash room. That he’s some kind of death coach. But honestly, I have a bad feeling about the guy, Indy. We can find you a proper therapist. We can—”

“Okay.” It’s for the best. Staying away from Theo is my plan anyway.

“I’ll help you with your bucket list.” He takes a step toward me before he seems to think better of it. The bridge of his nose wrinkles. “I’ll do anything for you, Indy. I love you so much.”

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