Page 51 of The Heartbreak List

“I love you too, Gray.” I blink back tears. Less than two hours ago, I was oblivious to my growing feelings for Theo. Not anymore. I hate that I’ve caused Gray so much anguish. “Please forgive me?”

He takes in the tears that have wobbled free from my eyelashes and slid down my cheek, before taking in the rest of me. His lips part and then press. “There’s nothing to forgive. It was miscommunication. Why don’t you take a shower? Get cleaned up.”

“Yes. That’s a good idea.” Numb, I drag myself to the bathroom and strip down while I wait for the water to heat up. Tonight has been too much.

I climb under the spray and let it slick away the remnants of the slime from my hair and skin. Another tear finally escapes and then they keep coming. It’s probably shock. It’s most definitely stress at almost losing everything I care about.

Gray, who loves me like he can’t survive without me. Who would do anything in his power to look after me.

Theo, who has shown me what my life could have been if only I hadn’t been so focused on the future. I was too busy sticking to the plan to experience it. He’s made me feel more joyous and carefree than I ever have in my life. But it’s over. It has to be. I’m too aware of the line that I’ve straddled.

It happened so quickly. Theo and I have been friends for such a short amount of time. But I’ve already come too close to crossing that line. Spending any more time with Theo would be wrong. And I’m not that person. I’m not the girl who falls for another guy weeks out from her wedding to the man she has loved all her adult life.

When every trace of Jell-O is cleansed from my body, I climb into my pajamas and take my meds. Gray unpacks his suitcase and leaves to pick up salads and grilled chicken from his favorite eatery.

I run a load of laundry then curl up on the corner of the couch and turn the TV on for company. Dragging the fuzzy blanket from the middle of the couch, I arrange it over me and pull it up to my neck. It smells a little like Theo. He must have pulled it over him last night.

I hate myself as I dig my nose in and inhale. I hate that my heart leaps when a message pops up on my phone and it has his name on it.

I swipe it away without looking at it. It hurts like I’m ignoring a part of myself, but ghosting Theo is for the best. I’m making the right decision to stay away from him. I just wish it didn’t feel like my heart is shrinking. Gray doesn’t deserve this.

When he returns, we eat together on the couch. He notices the bruises on my wrist and cries when he realizes where they came from. He holds it so gently as he presses his lips to each one carefully and repeatedly apologizes.

I tell him that it’s okay. That the stress is getting to both of us. That the meds are the problem. I know it isn’t him.

He touches me like I never tried to build a wall between us. And I fall into it because I love him so much and I want him to know it.

We make love on the couch, him hovering over me, one hand on my hip while his weight is balanced on his other arm. It’s sweet and careful and emotional. But it’s not like it used to be, and I’m not sure if that’s because my body is changing with the tumor and the meds, or because my heart is no longer completely his.

When we’re spent, he carries me to bed.

“I love you,” he tells me with his hand on my hip. “We’ll find a real therapist. We’ll work on your bucket list.”

I’m not ready to talk to someone new about my illness and my fears. I’m not ready to admit to what is going on inside my head and my heart. “It can wait until after the wedding.”

“Indy—”

I take his face between both my hands and pour every ounce of love into my gaze. “I want to focus on the wedding. We’re getting married in a few weeks. That’s what I want to put my energy into. You and me and our marriage.”

“Okay,” he finally says, after a long pause, his body relaxing against mine. “We’ll concentrate on the wedding.”

Chapter Eighteen

Theo

Me: How did it go with Gray? Is everything okay?

Me: I was thinking we could cross karaoke off your bucket list. There’s a place. Want to meet me later?

Me: I don’t know if you’re freaked out because of what happened with Nelson…or if you’re avoiding me because of Gray…but if you could text me back, I’d appreciate it.

Me: Hey, Indy. It’s been a few days. I wanted to clarify… when I said I had feelings for you…it wasn’t true. Sorry if I made things weird, but they don’t need to be. We can go back to how it was before.

Me: Serious question. Gray isn’t holding you hostage or anything, is he?

“Hey, this is Indy. I’m a tad busy right now. You know what to do.”

My phone glued to my ear, I pace the small storage room in the back of the bar. It’s been a week since everything went to shit.

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